Back story: warning it’s a little long, grab your popcorn and soda lol.

My husband and I had always wanted a house full of children. We even chose to purchase a van instead of a sedan because had planned for Many kids. But years gone by and we were hit with infertility. As many others who struggle it was a dark time in my life. There was a lot of hurt, anger, questioning god and myself. I went through it all.

We even tried fertility treatments but after experiencing a not so good experience with the dr and what I had to go through we decided that it was something we weren’t comfortable with so we stopped.

It took me time to really let go. It wasn’t easy. I would say it took all of me plus the support and understanding of my husband for us but especially me to really accept and come to terms with us being childless. I suffered from pcos and my husband had sperm morphology.

All the stress and depression went away and we agreed and planned our future childless. We book a vacation to celebrate us and mapped out our travels that we wanted to go. First stop was Cancun.

It was an amazing experience, and we met a local to took us everywhere. He even brought us to a statue and said she is the fertility god. If we were to touch the statue and hold her breast, she will listen to our prayers and help me get pregnant. Of course we laughed but we did it. After through out our stay there everywhere we went we would see her statue or figures here and there and joked it was a sign. I started getting sick and thought maybe I ate bad shrimp. It didn’t go away and the first thing I did after arriving back home that very night my gut told me to test. I got the very first ever, naturally, positive pregnancy test in my life. 3 years later we now have the most amazing 2year old son we could ever dream of.

But now that he is 2 turning 3, my heart feels so guilty. Knowing that we were so lucky to even have him, but I want so bad to give him a sibling, another son or a daughter for myself. I feel so guilty to even want to have more kids. But it is not as easy.

I don’t want to go down that road again. I honestly wished I can just be happy and accept that I can’t have anymore kids and yes I do feel so blessed to have my son but why as days go on and him growing, more deep in my heart I long for another one because he is so amazing and the pure joy and happiness he brings. My life is perfect with my little family of three don’t get me wrong, but I am lying to myself if I said I didn’t want my family to grow. It’s been a deep conflict I have inside myself. And the guilt is there.