when i was born my parents were old. my dad was 52 and my mom was 48. my brother was 25 and my sister was 23. my brother was married with a 5 year old daughter. my sister was engaged to someone she met while working in italy. when they got married she announced she was pregnant. she had twins and my mom vowed to herself that she wouldn’t go more then 4 months without seeing all of her children. so that was my brother and i in america and my sister and brother in law in italy. as you can tell, my mom was traveling a lot, but my dad owned a business he had to stay in america and vistied my sister once every 3 times my mom went so virtually once a year. this distanced my mom and i and made me grow closer to those who were there, my brother sister in law niece and ofc my dad. we were best friends, but he also had to be my father which meant saying no. my brother said i was always his favorite. but i couldn’t see how someone’s ideas of ice cream for dinner getting rejected so many times could be favoritism. my sister said i always had a thing for dramatics. she’s right. my dad was killed by the aftermath of an explosion. it was completely accidental, but he eventually died of cardiac arrest in the hospital. he was awake, making jokes, kissing my mom, everything was supposed to be okay. but then on may 25 at 7:22pm he died of cardiac arrest. that’s the thing with natural deaths, there’s no one to blame, so you end up blaming the people around you. my dad carried an organ donor card so they kept him hooked up to a ventilator until they could preserve his organs. my mom was homeless before she met my dad. he’s all she’s ever had. without him she wouldn’t have me and my siblings. she lost her husband, children’s father, soul mate, and her best friend. she thought he was alive when he was on the ventilator, she laid with him until my dads best friends came to get his body from italy to bring back to america for the funeral. my sister broke the news to me and i was so heartbroken i forgot how to speak for several days. all i did was cry and scream. at the funeral i saw my mom and promised myself to be strong for her. i was 6 years old. i would travel with my mom back and forth from italy. it got to the point where i would alternate 2 years in each country. my brother in laws brother and cousin (who basically became my brothers) taught me italian and my brother in laws brothers wife taught me french. in america i learned russian, since my dad spoke it, and spanish. i was a stellar student in all of my schools but i had a serious problem making friends. i couldn’t live in one place for more then 2 years. i developed serious commitment issues in result of my dad dying. i thought if i grew too attached then i would have to grieve more. i learned this from mio nonno. when i was in italy when i was 8 he died. except this time it wasn’t natural he was shot. i had someone to blame this time. myself. i got really close to mio nonno and then he died. he technically wasn’t even my grandfather. he was my brother in laws father, so he was my niece and my nephews grandpa (my sister had another son) miei nonni said that since i didn’t have grandparents they could be mine. from then on i kept only my family as close as i could. i ended up with 2 biological siblings 2 siblings by marriage and 4 unofficial siblings. which got me 4 biological nephews and 2 biological nieces and 2 unofficial nephews and 5 unofficial nieces all together were a huge family. we gather every year on may 12th in italy (to remember my brother in laws sister who drowned when she was 24). may 25 in america (to remember my father) and july 6th in italy (to remember mio nonno). i go to all of these gatherings but on my fathers death anniversary i barely talk to anyone and it is the only day of every year i allow myself to cry, because i know that nothing will be as painful as losing my dad, ever. he left me a good family and a good life, but i can’t help but wonder what it would be like if he were still here. я скучаю по тебе папа, mi manchi papà, tu me manques papa, te extraño padre, i miss you dad. rest easy