I’m unhappy but feel trapped.
So my husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 6. Things were amazing in the beginning, I was so in love and knew this was the person I wanted to spend my life with. We got married and I moved 4 hours away with him because of his work and we set up a life there. 2018 we split up because things weren’t working and we were fighting constantly. He’s a massive gamer and gets extremely angry on his games to the point he screams/shouts and punches doors/walls/TVs.. we wouldn’t have sex because he would turn me down all the time but then I would catch him masturbating all the time so I felt self conscious and ugly because i couldn’t understand why he would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Anyway, we broke up and I slept with someone else. Massive mistake. About 6 weeks after that my husband was begging to get back together with me, said things would change and he would get help for his anger and we would get marriage counselling to help our sex life. That never happened! I begged him to get counselling with me and he would just laugh at me. Things went back to the way they were, 0 sex life, screaming at his games until 2/3 in the morning and I was miserable. February 2019, he came home from work and told me he wasn’t happy and packed his stuff and left me. A week later i found out I was pregnant with his baby. I was terrified but we started talking and started to work on things. I was looking forward to the future because I thought that’s this baby would help us. When I was 7 weeks pregnant, my husband was working away and he called me crying telling me that he got a blowy off some girl on the internet that he met when he was drunk like a week before. I felt sick to my stomach, packed everything I owned and moved back home so that when he returned home I was gone. He came back home and was begging for forgiveness and I truly believed he was sorry so we took things slowly and we got back together again. I told him that I wasn’t going to have his anger around our child so he needed to go get help for his anger. Again, promised he would get help and DIDNT. I know you’re all probably thinking I’m dumb for believing him again but I wanted my daughter to have a family that was together because my parents broke up when I was 11 and it was hard for me and I didn’t want that for my daughter. Anyway, here we are, with a 7 month old little girl, and I’m so miserable. I love my daughter more than anything in this world and I do everything for her. I bath her, feed her, dress her, play with her, put her to bed, my husband? Sits on his fucking games all day or sits watching anime shows. He constantly gaslights me, makes mean jokes about me, I do everything around the house like cooking and cleaning and I also work part time. My husband hasn’t been in work since January and does NOTHING around the house. When I get home from work and I ask why nothing has been done he Says that our daughter has been hard work and he hasn’t had chance to do anything. Fucking bullshit! All he’s done is sit on his computer. I can’t believe this is my life. My mum said that my husband is just like how my father was with her and I don’t want that. I want to be happy. But now I feel stuck. I don’t think he knows how unhappy I am.. I’ve tried telling him that things need to change and it goes in one ear and out the other. I can’t do this anymore.. my daughter and I need happiness. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt though if I was to leave because I would be taking his daughter away from him. Although I would never ever stop him seeing her, I think he would go into a deep depression that he’s not with us every day and it would be my fault.
Im just rambling at this point and don’t really know what else to say. Thank you to those who have read this far. I just needed a rant.
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