I had a son. That is something no mother ever wants to say. That they HAD a child. So many women struggle with infertility, miscarriage & still birth, and death of children. Yet it is still common to get up in a woman’s business about if they want children, if they’re trying, when they will try if they are not, etc. Will it ever end?

I have a coworker, whom I adore dearly. However, she has a 9 month old son. She always tells me how annoying and a pain in the butt he is, and how I should never have children. I try to be polite and awkwardly laugh and change the subject, but it’s been repetitive now. I can’t say I blame her, I have not told her about the loss of my toddler. But I suppose it’s not something that someone usually brings up in a casual conversation either. It just makes me want to tell her to hold her baby a little tighter and a little longer and enjoy the time she has, because you never know when it will be cut short. I would do anything to have my son back. My partner and I have been trying for 7 months, but that will never replace him.

I can’t say my story was glamorous, quite the opposite actually. I was a teen mom, a young teen mom. I had my son at 13. Of course it was rough, I came from a troubled and poor home as it was, but I loved him with all I had and tried to do the best I could. Staying in school as well. I picked up odd jobs where I could, like babysitting, housesitting and dog walking. I had to mature a lot and it was the most challenging yet rewarding thing that has ever happened to me. His father was older (17) and in and out of his life the majority of the time.

My son Jakeb was born November 14th, 2012 at 6:51 am by C-Section. He was 7lbs 1oz and 19 1/2 inches long. Chubbiest cheeks you could ever adore, it was love at first sight. This picture was at 2 days old.

This was at 6 1/2 weeks old, New Years ❤️

He grew up into being such the happiest little boy I’ve ever met. He was so sweet and so funny. He would melt anyone’s heart that he met. Total momma’s boy.

This is the last picture I ever took of him, July 19th, 2014. This was the same day he passed away. You would never be able to tell something horrific was going to happen by his grin ❤️ It was after bath time and momma was trying to get pj’s on for bed, but he wasn’t having it! What can I say, he was my wild boy!

After that he finally got snuggled into bed and said our goodnights. Even at 20 months old, I would still check on him once or twice during the night. I was always so fearful of something happening to him. He was down for about 4 hours before I checked on him, as I was about to go to sleep now. He seemed to still be snuggled up, sleeping calmly like I left him. Good, right? Well I got an odd feeling because usually by this point in the night he would have flipped himself over into a different position, usually on his side or tummy, sometimes even with his little bum in the air still! I put my hand on his chest and couldn’t feel him breathing, so I flipped the overhead lights on just to make sure and he indeed, was not breathing. I screamed and picked him up and went into my moms room yelling that he’s not breathing and he needed to go to the emergency room right now. We rushed over but of course it was too late at the point. In a matter of 4 short hours my baby boy was gone. I couldn’t help but blame myself. The medical examiner found nothing wrong with him and deemed him in perfect health. Basically SIDS but in a toddler. It’s something I had never heard of before happening to a toddler, I thought it was only for infants 12 months and under. It all felt like a terribly nightmare. I would have let him stay up and snuggle a little longer if I would have known. I would’ve done anything in my power to save him.

I may have been a young mom, but I tried my best and loved my son more than anything. I suppose I just wanted to tell my story for 2 reason. 1., to sympathize with all of the other mothers that have lost a child, weather it be a 6 week miscarriage or stillborn/baby or a teenager or an adult. It all aches so terribly. And 2., to shed some light on why it is so inappropriate to keep asking women about the status of their childbearing.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much ❤️ Baby dust to every single one of you ladies ttc 💖