I'm looking for a little comfort and support. I've had a really emotionally rough pregnancy and honestly I'm having a *very* hard time being excited about it at all. I'm a serious birth/pregnancy/breastfeeding enthusiast, training to be in the profession, so it makes me feel even worse that I'm kind of unable to enjoy the magic of my final pregnancy. I lost my midwife at 24 weeks, my doula moved to another state without telling me. So i was forced to consider hospital birth or unassisted. I'd feel safer at home, its my fourth, and I live close to a hospital if it was needed, but honestly I just can't get past how frightened my SO would be and I'd feel so alone. Especially now that my second doula had to quit on me this week, due to some marital issues/career changes.

The closer the date draws, though, the more scared and upset I am. I'm a sexual abuse survivor with ptsd and honestly my first hospital birth was so cold and everyone was so rough and I was completely ignored and disregarded. No one cared about me. No one talked to me. My dr violated my trust and ignored my objections during vaginal exams and an almost completely unnecessary unwanted episiotomy. I felt like a farm animal giving birth. I've had a hard time bonding with this very unplanned baby, and it's honestly just not much comfort that "it'll all not matter when you see her". Because even with the baby i bonded VERY well with, it DID matter. My body matters. I can still love my daughter and be thankful for her health AND be upset about how i was treated. It was horrifying. I felt trapped. I wanted to leave immediately after but was told i had to stay becuase i had pitocin.

I had this peaceful happy birth planned and now i feel like I'm preparing for, best case scenario, arguing with hospital staff about vaginal exams, positions, monitoring and then when it comes time to push, instead of it being this thrilling moment, I'll have to watch my vagina to make sure I'm not being carved up and bright lights will come on, 5-7 strangers will suddenly demand a good view of my vagina. Etc. I just don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I've made a huge mistake and I'm not fit to be anyone's mother. I can't quit crying and I'm scared that I'll be a huge emotional wreck when i go into labor and my SO will have a hard time getting me in the car. I have nightmares where I beg him to "save me" and "please don't do this to me" and "don't hurt me". The worst part is that I'm not even really scared of natural birth. .. that's easy for me. It's the hospital I'm terrified of. I just don't know what to do. Im due next month and im dreading it. 😢😭