So if anyone reads this i am sorry its quite long. But writing this might actually make me feel a bit better because my mind is going crazy and has been a while. Like the title says "rubbish life" that is an understatement. Im so fed up of it. Im sick of feeling down, sick of looking for a way to improve my life and mind, sick of people getting me down, fed up of wanting stuff/wanting a life i never can have.

I am so exhausted, feel drained. I feel tired but not the sort of tired where i could go to sleep, tiredness where i feel like im 20 stone just so heavy to move. I dont enjoy sex anymore, and down below doesnt even get turned on anymore (sorry tmi but its a big deal to me), dont crave for anything and dont have any motivation at all

I wake up and then suddenly want the day to finish already

I dont have anyone to talk too

My sister passed away 3 years ago and my dad has now a major grieve still 3 years later he cries everyday talks about suicide. Ive told him it gets me down when he talks about suicide but he still carries on doing so, and it has made my mind feel worse. I feel selfish but he has made me depressed.

Ive been ttc for ages and when i was getting failure after failure that made me who i am now.

I really tried my best to do everything the right, best way in life but all that gets thrown at me is shit after shit.

I cant do medication because it makes me dosile, i cant talk face to face about my feelings because i really struggle too.

I just dont see the point anymore.

Im now 28 and im really hoping i dont even have another year here.

I really tried this month aswell as other months to be happy but someone gets me down without fail.

I dont have any friends,

Only family i have is my dad none of others bother with me

This is the only time i can express my self.

I just cant get out of this dark place.

I try to be happy, but then i realise im just a loner, a freak that cant conceive, just a waste of space

If i could conceive or know in the future it will happen most of this dark cloud will go away.

Pregnancy and a family is all i want, dont want to be rich, dont want a big house to live in, dont want flashy cars and a dream job. A family is all that i ask for an im punished