I've hated being a woman from the moment my parents told me my brother could go out and play and I couldn't. I hate being a woman from the moment I was told that I had to wear a dress to church. I hated being a woman when I was told I shouldn't bike or climb trees too much because I might fall and get scars. I hated being a woman when my brother and his friends peaked at me changing when I was 11 and my dad came in and got mad at me for not locking the door. I hated being a woman when I was 15 in a psych class and finally understood that my brother had been molesting me when I was 8 til 12. I didn't know what he was making me do, like go down on him or he'd touch me- but it was better than him hitting me or choking me. I hated being a woman when I took up Engineering and everyone said I'd drop out and that I wouldn't make it because it isn't a woman's course. I hated it when I joined the chess varsity and during a match someone told me "what are you? Their muse?" I've never been someone with an identity.

I was playing a videogames online with my boyfriend and his friends. I'm alright at the game, but I was still getting used to it. I was so anxious around his friends and I didn't want to be thought of as the usual girlfriend who's bad at games or just plays because of her boyfriend because I introduced the game to him. I love the game and I was the one who shared it with him. I know it's pretty but there are moments when I snap. Little triggers like when people said I'm bad at driving (I just started learning). I lost the game, and I just lost it. I started hitting myself (when I breakdown I always hit my face). I felt like it was my fault. That I was letting women down all over the world. I felt like I owed it to myself and to women everywhere to be good at things, at everything if possible, so no little girl would ever have to think for a second it was her fault, that she was bad at something even before shes even gotten a chance to learn it. I don't know why I did that and I'm just sobbing right now because I don't know how to cope with losing the game. I kept throwing up. I don't know what to do. Please help.