Can we talk in laws?

Question

I’m pregnant with #2, haven’t told in laws yet. I don’t particularly want to, they haven’t been supportive in the last year or two since #1 arrived.
Before #1, we got on well-enough. Unfortunately, not a lot in common. After #1 arrived they seemed a bit hostile and still do. I have a close relationship with my own parents, so I see them often. My partner doesn’t make a big effort with his own family. Maybe a short phone call every 1-2 weeks. 
I am thinking that the “off” behaviour towards me is down to jealousy. The foundation for a close relationship was never there so we naturally don’t see them as often as my own family. I highly suspect it’s jealousy because they ignore me or turn away from a conversation if I dare mention anything that’s related to someone other than them. We have never turned them away for a visit and they always stay for 1-2 nights at a time.
Unfortunately, this “jealousy” has manifested into occasional quite nasty comments, which have really upset me. I also get sidelined in conversations and family photo opportunities. And apparently #1 gets all their traits from my mil - not a big deal, just another way that they probably like to imagine that, I, the mother of their grandkid doesn’t exist. 
How do I manage this situation?

Answer

I’m in exactly the same situation, my parent in laws believe what they say goes, and my sister in law treats my first like she’s her mother and I’m non existent. 
My partner doesn’t correct their behaviour so it got to the point in January I had enough and told them that their behaviour, including allowing their dog to bite my child wasn’t acceptable and that we wouldn’t be going around so much (previously visited 3-4 days every week). 
They made no effort with my daughter from January to March at all as it was ‘our’ job to ensure we drive to them every week. 
They didn’t see her once in this time.
We obviously went into lockdown here in the uk in March and only the last month have come out of it slowly. But I think they got the message as the last three weeks they have made the effort to meet half way or come close to us to meet outside to see our daughter. 
We’re expecting #2 in August and I’ve said point blank I won’t be making the same effort to drive 2.5 hours to them 3-4 times a week and that effort goes two ways and is not all mine and partner responsibility to make sure they have a bond with their grandchildren. 
In regards to them telling me how my daughters brought up, whether she has a routine, whether she sleeps in our room still, what she eats and wears etc, I have told them to butt their nose out as she is not their child and they had their chance to bring up their own children 30 odd years ago. 
I tried to be nice about it for the first 13 months of my daughters life but they all but ignored my existence when we were at their house and undermined me in front of my daughter so I put them in their place. 
They didn’t like being told their wrong doings but I have 100 times more respect now than I did for 13 months of my daughters life and am able to parent our daughter in the way we choose in front of them now x

Answer

This sounds just like my in laws. My baby boy “looks just like my MIL” but not at all and has all the traits she does, but I pray to God he never grows up to be like her. They literally say “we’re taking an original family photo.” Which means spouses are not to join. But my sister in law somehow always gets to have her kids in the original family picture while I stand awkwardly with her husband watching them portray the “perfect family” ugh I want to puke just thinking about it. 
I got lucky and my father in law started doing hard drugs which made my husband cut him off. My MIL won’t ever do anything without him so we never see them.

Answer

I had some similar situations when had my daughter. Caused lots of tension between me and my husband in the first 6 months of our daughters life. Eventually he spoke to them and the situation resolved. The mix of feeling we are closer to my side of the family probably played a part has never been said in a direct manner. They have a great relationship with my daughter which ultimately helped my relationship with them. As husband spoke to them we now have much more open dialogue which is nice and has helped us grow closer. Your other half has to help as if he doesn’t anything you say will be met with hostility. Just in my own experience. Hope this helps x

Can we talk in laws?

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