Bit of backstory.

For years I've suffered kind of on and off with anxiety and depression (had meds and counselling in the past).

I was doing okay for a while, could suppress it to focus on my little girl and steal moments away to break down and then recompose myself within 5 minutes and go back smiling like nothing happened.

Then 5 months ago i found out i was pregnant again which was a struggle to accept for while, and it caused many problems in my relationship (i wont go into it, but it got me feeling very low).

Fast forward to recent weeks were the pregnancy had been accepted by myself and my partner and we're on the same page, and both trying to prepare for it.

Now, im not sure if its the surge in hormones and the fact my little girl is only 16 months so my body hadn't fully recovered from having her i guess? But lately im crying so often, and having all these horrible self doubts.

My depression years ago was horrendous, to the point that honestly if i saw a car i wanted to jump infront of it. I really hated myself and had no self esteem. (this is what i tried to work on in therapy, but it did jack all.)

Recently its been getting that bad again, and with being pregnant it's not good.

Today was horrendous, i cried for over an hour straight, i tried so hard to stop the tears but honestly couldn't. Ive never felt so unwanted, unloved or just like a worthless POS since all those years ago. Then when the crying stopped i went emotionally numb, and had to leave my house, leaving my daughter with her dad, and just go and breathe, alone. When i was out i felt like i needed to destroy things. I really wanted to lash out at people and had to bite my tongue. Everything i saw i just wanted to smash up, i really really had to fight the urges. I just wasn't myself.

Does anyone think this is normal for a hormonal mama or does this sound anything like depression?

I just keep telling myself im being dramatic, but i dont want to get into a mood like this and have something bad happen, not when i have my kids to think about now. I just dont want to carry on this way.

Please no unhelpful, hateful comments, they will be ignored.