I've (f22) been dating my boyfriend (m23) for almost 3 years now. His mom (f63) is extremely sweet to me because I'm the daughter that she always wanted. I respect his mom but she can be extremely judgemental and toxic.

Since we've been together, my boyfriend and I have been working through his childhood abuse trauma (from his father's end) and his mom's manipulative behavior.

I dont doubt that she loves him because if she didnt, then she wouldnt continue supporting him (paying for housing, cooking for him, etc) as he tries to finish up college. But this doesn't come without snarky remarks or guilt tripping him.

He told me that she would make remarks about how he ruined her credit because she had to pay for legal resources to make a case against the abuse. It makes him feel guilty for having spoken up about it and "ruining" people's lives. He's had this mindset for 20 years and has been doing good progress to overcome it.

Of course, I always try to reinforce that everything that happened to him as a child wasnt his fault. She's never outright said anything terrible like that in front of me but she has made comments about his and other people's appearances.

She'll talk abut how his curly hair (he used to be bald) is mangey and that he will never find a job unless he shaves it. Or she'll comment about a chubby woman wearing leggings and how it's disgusting. And then she will ask me a leading question like, "don't you think so too?".

I've always tried to stay neutral or find things that are good or need improvement (like suggesting cleaning up his hairlines if he doesnt want to get a fade or combing/styling his hair more often). He hasn't brought this up as an issue with me but I cant help but feel complicit.

I am finding it hard to find a balance between standing up for what I believe in while being respectful that she's his mother.