Feeling deflated 😔

Sorry this is a bit long, I just need to get it out...

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary and we’re in the middle of a fight. We’ve been trying to conceive number 2 for 13 months, with a chemical in December. I ovulated two days ago and this is when the fight started- well it’s not exactly a fight, it’s just silence. This past week he’s been having some “performance” issues so definitely not getting bfp this month. I kept asking him to tell me what was going on with him. His family are so bad for not talking about anything so he thinks this is how he should behave. We never talk about feelings, or anything that’s worrying us etc and I hate it. If I try to talk to him about how I feel about any situation he’s just silent so over the years I’ve gradually stopped even trying and because of Covid I don’t have people around me I can talk to.

Anyway, eventually he said it’s because knows I’m disappointed that it’s not happened but I should know that it will happen one day and I need to relax. And even if it doesn’t happen then I should just get over it because it’s not the end of the world.

I’m so hurt and angry and feel so alone in all of this. I track every month alone, I’m disappointed every month alone, I went through the chemical alone with him even mentioning on New Years that it was a big year for his friend having baby number 4 while I was literally in the middle of losing one and it’s never been mentioned since. I’m so sick of peeing on sticks, measuring temp, I’ve tried “not trying” and still nothing. I think something is wrong but if I know if I mention seeing a doctor he’ll refuse. I’m almost 35 and I don’t want to leave it much longer.

I had a rough induction which ended in an emergency c-section and then suffered really badly from post partum depression which was undiagnosed so it went on for 18 months. I didn’t see it, I didn’t know anything was wrong and because he doesn’t talk about anything he didn’t tell me to see someone. So things were really rough in our relationship and I can’t get it out my head when he said at 11 months he didn’t want another baby coz he couldn’t do this again.

So now I think he’s happy we can’t get pregnant coz he didn’t want it anyway. And I can’t just “get over it” because it’s literally all I want. I want my son to have a sibling, I don’t want him to be alone. All I want in life is to be a good mom and have more kids and I don’t see anything wrong with that. But it’s not something I can just get over because I will never not want that for my life.