was i r*ped? 🚨triggering🚨

when i was 17 i starting dating this boy and within the first week he was pressuring me to do things with him. he asked and asked and asked until i gave in because he wouldn’t stop guilting me into it. one time he held me down in his room and forced me to while i was crying. he made me do it five times in one day. he would get me in his house in the morning and i would have no way to leave so i’d be stuck there alone with him until his mom came home from work. a couple months into the relationship he finally convinced me to have sex with him, we were both virgins. after that it was nonstop. he wanted sex or head all day every single day. i constantly said no, it was too much, i told him he was making me feel like a piece of meat but he didn’t care. he kept asking and asking. his hand would slip under my shirt and i would push him away telling him no, and 30 seconds later it would be back. i felt disgusting, i wanted to leave but i was so isolated. i had no friends anymore. he had cut me off from literally everyone. i did so many things i didn’t want to do just because i wanted him to stop touching me and guilt tripping me. i feel so disgusting whenever i think about it, my skin crawls.


there were times that he kept pushing my head down until i started to feel like i was throwing up and when i started pushing away he just pushed me down harder. food came up the back of my throat and i was so angry, i cried and yelled at him and he just kept laughing and saying how hot it was. he then went on to brag to groups of people IN FRONT OF ME that he had made me throw up on his dick. so many people know about what he did and how proud he is of it and every time i remember i start to cry. i’m so fucking embarrassed.


i’m so disgusted with him and myself. i feel like it was my fault that all this happened to me. i felt like i owed it to him, he was my boyfriend. i don’t want to say i was raped because i don’t even know if what happened would be considered rape. i didn’t want to do any of the things i did but if i didn’t he wouldn’t stop touching me or pressuring me. i’m so confused. can someone please help?

EDIT: i probably should’ve given a disclaimer, we are NOT together anymore. this was 3 years ago and we haven’t been together for almost 2 years. i’m in a very happy and very healthy relationship with someone who treats me like i’m made of gold now. he respects my boundaries, loves me and is patient with me. he knows everything that happened with me and is so understanding. thank you all for your kind messages, it means the world to me to have people who understand and validate my feelings. thank you all from the bottom of my heart 🖤