I’m in desperate need of advice.
I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.
I’m going to start off with some background, my mom grew up with an alcoholic, drug addictive, mess of a father. My grandma (moms mom) left him when my mom was two months old and her older brother was just over a year old. From That point on my mom dealt with neglect, abusive and a sad life from everyone in her life especially her “dad”. My grandma was quick to jump from relationship to relationship and ended up marrying my three other uncles father whom raped my mom for years and my grandma knew but never said anything. My mom was just looking for a dad and this all started when she was a couple years old, it was touching then eventually lead into rape around 9 years old and this awful man even had a friend over to do stuff to my mom as well... my grandma eventually left that guy (not for that reason) and went with another guy. My mom was 16 when she met this guy (my step grandpa) and by the time my mom was 17 my grandma moved all my moms siblings across the country but left my mom behind with her “dad” she ended up pregnant with me, he tried to kill me while she was pregnant because he didn’t approve of it. He tried committing suicide 9 times via overdose and my mom was left to pick up the pieces and deal with the constant crap that came with this man... he would beat my mom up and she was left no where to go. Fast forward a bit, she leaves that household and moves towns with my dad. Occasionally having to deal with her “dad” and what not but more so she was independent and had a stable apartment for when I came, she was also doing college at that time and working so her life was busy but she made a goal to make something good of the shitty card she was dealt. I never really met this guy, maybe 10 times max in my life... so i never really had a grandpa as my dads dad committed suicide and my grandmothers husband and her lived far away, they did move back when I was older but I didn’t really want a relationship with them because my grandma was a horrible person... she abused me, played mind games, told me nobody loved me and never would ect.. my mom fell sick a few years ago and the doctors couldn’t find a diagnosis so they were asking family history on Illnesses from close and distant relatives. Anything to go off of would help them try to solve what was happening to her.. my grandma then came forward that my moms “dad” wasn’t actually her dad but that’s al she would say. We eventually found my mom bio dad and he flew down straight away and did a DNA test. He’s a wealthy man, so for financial reasons he needed a DNA test done. Obviously we were unaware of that factor and it didn’t change anything in the situation for us. We just wanted to know this guy, my moms dad, my real grandpa. He was nice, caring, funny and he literally just fit in our lives like he was always there. He had to tell his other children and his family (siblings, his mom) and they did NOT approve of us and gave him an ultimatum that it’s us or them. To sum it up they only cared about his life insurance and that they didn’t want my mom to be included as it was a large sum per each kid and he was giving it out before he passed away so he could watch them use that money to do great things for themselves... he ended up keeping all that money for himself (good for him, like really what children’s only concern is how much money they are getting?!?! It blew me away tbh) over the past few years he’s expressed his absolute love for his other granddaughter which is great but it’s gotten to the point it’s ALL he talks about. His favourite grandchild (his words) he talks about how he’s flying her down to tour around the states, to go to Disney land, how he’s boughten her all these expensive gifts and sent them to her, he literally came down for THREE months and was an hour away from me and I seen him one time that entire visit because he was with his other, favourite granddaughter. I asked him to go for dinner for my birthday and he declined because he wanted to do something with her instead. It really hurt me. I asked (for my birthday) for their old guest room bed, as they were moving so they didn’t need it and knew I desperately needed one but instead, they brought his other granddaughter a bed ON MY birthday. I’m just sick of the phone calls consisting of how much he loves her, how she’s his favourite, how he’s doing this and that for her, how he plans on coming down to see her. We went to one Christmas at his moms house (my great grandma) and All the kids were there, it was so awkward. They were SOOO mean to me and he didn’t even batt an eye at us. We didn’t know these people and he leaves us feeling awkward and unwelcomed meanwhile he insisted that we attend. He got everyone a gift but nothing for us... I know it’s not about the money spent but like damn, a fucking card would’ve been nice.. we sat their while the ENTIRE family opened their gifts and they were all smirking at us.. his son even yelled at my step son. My step son was 6 and didn’t understand why everyone was opening gifts and he wasn’t. It’s not like he was upset he just was excited to be apart of opening gifts and then nothing came his way and he was like “do I get a gift” all excited and I explained that this is their Christmas with their grandfather and father and ours will be later and that was that then my grandpas son lost it on my step son like pardon me?? Anyways, Now, they’re coming down again and they want to pick my daughter and I up to spend time with this other granddaughter but I absolutely refuse and here’s why, I met her last summer (she’s 10) and she’s a great kid but here’s the kicker, if my grandpa isn’t present she’s not allowed contact with us so that means once a year (maybe) she gets to visit us and it’s confusing for her. She doesn’t understand her mom doesn’t approve of my mom and I, doesn’t want anything to do with us, won’t allow her to talk to us so she gets a cousin and second cousin for a few days every year and that’s all. It’s sad, I feel bad for her because last time, she was confused on why she couldn’t see us when my grandpa left. She was sad and she just couldn’t make sense of it. I don’t want to put her in that situation, I couldn’t imagine being a child and not being allowed to talk to family and wondering why I can’t see them, why mom says awful things about these people who are supposed be be family. It’s unfair to her and it’s unfair to me. I’d rather just leave it separate then confuse her and make her sad when we have to leave. I’m an adult and I have to make the best decision I can and I truly feel this is it. She wanted a relationship after my grandpa left and it was heartbreaking having to say no because really, how do you tell a kid the reason why this is the way it is. After time, I know she’s forgotten so I don’t want to re open that door to the confusion. I spent my entire life as an outsider with my fathers family and even most of my moms family. I have cut them off because I don’t need that in my life so why would I allow it to be the same with him? I hate how I feel left to the side and not equal. I get that he didn’t know me my entire life but I feel like that doesn’t give him the reason to justify everything. I get that these are his children and grandchild but it’s been four fucking years, get over it, you know? Like what’s the deal? I feel like if this is how it’s going to be then it’s not worth it. I’ve waited a long time for things to level out and it just hasn’t. I’ve tried explaining my feelings and he completely ignores it.. we haven’t spoke in 2 months and he thinks he’s coming to pick up my daughter for a few days and that’s that... as if I have zero choice. As if my 17 month old daughter is going to be content with going to spend a few days with people she doesn’t know. How do I deal with this? What do I say?