I’m so fucking tired.

This may seem ridiculous to a lot of you so I apologize in advance if you waste your time reading just to be utterly disappointed but I need to vent. I have no one.

I live with my fiancé and our dogs and work as a caregiver at two jobs while I finish nursing school. Growing up my parents were divorced and my dad wasn’t really around much, just started over with a new family. My mom has mental health issues and no one really noticed until I was in 10th grade, so from 10 years old I was responsible for myself and my little sister and brother as she wasn’t home very much and if she was she would lock herself in her room. I don’t blame her, she did the best she could and no one was there to help her either.

I try so hard to do good and be a good person, I try to do for others what I would want done for me but no one ever does. I watch kids for free if the parent is struggling, I give to others as much as I can even when I have nothing myself, I am loving and supportive even to strangers. I only have two actual friends who live far away now and they have their own lives with so many happy things happening for them, I try to check in on them often but I don’t reach out with my own struggles because I already only have two friends and the few times I have shared they didn’t really know what to say or kind of distanced themselves. I feel like I’m a black hole of misery that no one wants to deal with because I just bring them down.

My fiancé and I have been together since I was 17, he bought a house and started a successful business since and we have a few dogs. He pays for the house and most bills and i pay for my own bills like car and phone and also buy groceries and pay the energy bill. I never let him give me money because he does more for me than anyone in my life ever has and I don’t want him to think I am taking advantage of him or that I’m useless. I have no money aside from bills I pay but I don’t need anything else, I just feel terrible I can’t do for him what he does for me. He comes from the “perfect family” with a mom and dad who have been together forever and never had a worry about money or anything else because they both had good jobs, I came from constant struggle and a very dysfunctional family. So it’s hard for him to understand what I’m going through when things come up sometimes.

Recently I found out two of my dogs are dying, one from cancer and one from heart failure. I am absolutely broken. I have been making it work with vet bills but there is nothing that can be done, and knowing I’m losing the only ones who actually enjoy my company and love to be around me is killing me. I’m so fucking sad and I feel like yet again life is being thrown in my face. I used to have friends and be popular and feel like I could do anything. I was bullied in high school by a pack of girls and then my mom hit rock bottom and I finally understood how messed up my life had been but I didn’t know before because I didn’t know any differently. Now I have no one, my fiancé works so hard and i have to work weird hours because of school so I dont talk to him about this stuff because A) he doesn’t understand it at all, his life was nothing like mine, and B) I don’t want to drag him down with me. I love him more than anything and he loves me and does so much for me but it’s something I really struggle with. He wants things to be clean and I do pick up after myself and do the dishes and try to keep the house clean otherwise but I grew up in a shit show and he grew up with a cleaning lady so our expectations are obviously much different. I WANT to be the person who has their shit together and can do all of the cleaning and cooking and be fun but I’m so fucking tired everything feels impossible, even the most basic things like taking a shower. I want to be that person so desperately. I want to have my shit together and I try so hard.

That was a lot of rambling but I just want something fucking good to happen. It doesn’t even have to be a specific event, I just don’t want to be so fucking sad all of the time and have bad thing after bad thing happen to me. It feels like everyone around me is living such a wonderful normal life and here I am, getting more miserable every day. Why is my life such a constant struggle?

Also, I know how all this may sound so I just want to say I don’t want to end my life, I lost many loved ones to suicide and I couldn’t do that to my mom and my sister. I just don’t understand why life is so hard for me, I want to live and be happy.