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Having a hard time dealing with the loss of my dog😔

We had to put our sweet girl down this past Friday and it was kind of unexpected and I just miss her so much😭

She seemed fine then all of a sudden Wednesday night she collapsed and had what we believe was a seizure. The next day she was a bit lethargic, we made her an apt to go in to the vet first thing Friday morning. When we were going I could tell she was not herself and was worried sick but tried to remain hopeful. It sucked because of covid I wasn’t able to go in with her so she was in the vet getting tests done all day with out us by her side😔 the vet was closing at 5 so they were in the middle of transferring her to the emergency vet when the vets at the emergency hospital suggested because she had elevated liver enzymes and fluid in her stomach, to check her chest, because she could be bleeding into her heart. Sure enough...💔

There was not much they could do and we didn’t want her to suffer so we had to make the most heart wrenching decision ever. I even asked if we could take her home for one more night and they said there was a chance she would die over night and it would be a lot more traumatic😔

All of our kids were in the car when we were there to pick her up and found all of this out. So they brought her out to the grass and we got to hang out with her and cuddle her and tell her how much we love her. She was so happy to see us as she was walking out, She didn’t know what was happening she wanted to get in the car and go home😭💔 I just wish it went so much differently. I thought we would be able to plan her last day more and spoil her, do everything she loves. If I had of known before we got there I could have even just bought her a burger or something tasty for her to eat after being at the vet all day with out us😔

I feel so heartbroken and lost without her here and guilty that I didn’t notice she was sick sooner. Thinking about it now there were probably signs, but we just brushed it off thinking she was just getting old, like she laid around alot, ate slower, couldn’t play long, didn’t want to be outside long when she loves outside, I should’ve known something was up😭 but she was such a sweet happy girl and still seemed and looked healthy otherwise, so I guess she just hid it well .

I also am hating myself because one of her last days before she starting deteriorating I came in from doing groceries and she had stolen some scraps off the stove(which I knkw is my fault I shouldnt have left them out) I was having a bad day as it was and I got mad and yelled at her😭 I can’t stop feeling bad that that was one of our last moments together, even though I know there are so many other good ones.

I just wish things were different and I don’t know how to deal with losing her😭😭 I literally feel like this grief will never end I just want to snuggle her. The last few mornings before she got too sick she would come into our room in the morning and be so excited and wanting to say goodmorning and have cuddles, she would always get sooo excited ever since she was a puppy when we would say goodmorning to her, she knew so many words💕 but she had kind of got over it since she was younger so we kind of thought it was funny she was doing that again, now I kind of get why😔

I already have anxiety and depression as it is so I just can’t stop dwelling on all the “what if’s” , I know that’s grief but it just feels so intense. I miss her so much:( so many things remind me of her. I just thought maybe writing out my feelings might help. Maybe some ppl can share some similar experiences.