Losing my first love.

I moreso am just venting than anything else. But when I was 18, I downloaded a dating app just to see what would happen. I wasn't on it much but there was a really cute guy so I made a move; which as an anxious introvert, is something I'd never be able to do in person 😝 . He (22 at the time) responded and we hit it off a little bit. I wasnt sure his intentions, and I've never been in a relationship so I didn't know if anything would even come from it. But something did. We made plans to meet up which was hard to do because I didn't have a car yet and didn't want to tell my overprotective mom I was meeting some dude off the internet (I told friends just in case he was like a kidnapper) but we eventually got to meet. I was awkward as fuck but he had plenty to talk about and had a giant ego. It was a lot and it was new but I liked it. We went to his car after and he tried to kiss me but I, not having done anything with a boy, sorta rejected it and then regretted it when I got home.

Conversation died off after that; he definitely lost interest. And it was sad because I liked what I experienced, but it wasn't the end of the world.

A few months pass and *ding*, I get a message from him asking how I am. From then on, we've met up once or twice a week and it turned into a fwb situation right away. After awhile it started getting hard for me because I did grow emotions and he wasn't interested in me that way, and I was ready to call it quits. But his interest in me grew and we started hanging out more for than just sexual activities. We'd get food, hang out with his friends, watch movies; actually do things together and bond and experience new things together.

That's still not an ideal situation for a lot of people; having a nonexclusive thing with someone you like a lot and just being okay with it. But as my first for lots of things, I enjoyed it more than I thought I could. I also learned he struggles to commit in general and again while not ideal, I learned to be okay with it. He made me happy and I've fallen in love for the first time. He was aware of my feelings and he also grew some of his own with time.

But, as a guy continuing in higher education, we are now coming to an end 2.5 years after meeting on a silly app. And it's so fucking hard. I'll see him one more time before he leaves early next week. Before I left his house today, we both broke down hard.

He's been there for me for so much in the past 2 years and it's hard knowing it has to come to an end. I love what he's given me; new experiences, new connections, new knowledge. etc. But with his lack of commitment and my want for it, we wouldn't work long distance. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us. An end is unfortunately necessary.

With the many firsts he's given me, he will (or already is) also be my first heartbreak. 💔