Long read! How can I feel so loved and unloved?

My husband and I have always had a strong relationship. He always holds the door open for me, buys my flowers randomly, gives me back rubs even though I’m the stay at home. Happily pays all the bills and loves my entire family. We attend church every Sunday. In fact, we were confirmed in the church together before our wedding.

But the issue comes when ever the mother of his oldest comes along. She works from home so she has him during the day. I used to have him with me and he’s an amazing kid. But his mother keeps putting him in diapers. He’s 5. To me, this is a form of child abuse. She said “humans are not meant to sit and poop. They are meant to squat. So he can have a diaper and squat in his room”. She cleans him when he’s done. And then they go about their day. I’ve been potty training him since I came into the picture. And every time he makes progress, he will go to her house and then she gives him a diaper. So anyways, I used to have him during the day but when it came to potty training, he became angry. He refused to go in the bathroom at all, he would throw himself around, and scream at the top of his lungs. I’m always afraid a neighbor will call the cops. My husband decided that his son will go with the mother while he was at work after a violent episode. His son threw a toy and I took the toy away, the he started punching my stomach. He’s 5 but it honestly still hurt. I was hesitant to call my husband bc I didn’t want to add stress while he was at work. But with it being a violent episode, I figured he should know. When he got home he started talking to his son about what happened. The son said “I have to poop and mom says I’m afraid of the potty!” He then decided that she was going to keep him during the day and it was her job to potty train him. He wanted her to see how hard it gets for me sometimes when she gives him a diaper and I don’t.

Well, that plan didn’t work. She gives him an diaper first thing in the morning and they go about their day. Today, my husband and I found out that his son didn’t eat anything today except a granola bar and a peanut butter sandwich. She had him for 10 hours today. When my husband called her to ask why he didn’t eat she said “I didn’t have time after I got home this morning for breakfast”. He asked about lunch and that’s when she said the thing about the sandwich. He said to her “if this is too much for you then he can stay home with Alex from now on”. She quickly said “ok!” And hung up.

I tell my husband that he needs to do something about her or I will. She can’t just not feed him and give him diapers. He’s a child in her care! He agreed with me but won’t confront her. When I pressed on. About it, he rolled his eyes and said “ok Alex” like I was a burden and I felt really disrespected.

It makes me think...how could he talk to me that way when I’ve done nothing wrong.. but nicely tell her that he will stay with me from now on. I told him I felt like he needs to put the pressure on her to change her ways.

This turned into a fight with me and my husband. A screaming match. Now I’m sitting in the bedroom asking myself why she gets spoken to like nothing is wrong, but I am screamed again because I’m mad his son didn’t eat, ON TOP of him using a diaper still.

This man is always so great to me. Gave me my first child. Loves me unconditionally. But he never puts her in her place.

She didn’t celebrate his birthday, Christmas, Easter, or thanksgiving with him. She says “you can have a holiday any time. Doesn’t have to be on the day”.

Am I crazy here? Or so I just call child services? I’m really over this mess.