I am not ok

Today is my daughter's first birthday, and its been bittersweet, and starting off in tears. My daughter might be my last and im genuinely not okay. Even as I laid on the table a year ago today to have my c section, I knew it my heart I didn't want her to be my last. I hoped that in a years time I'd grow to be okay with the possibility of her being my last baby but it never happened. One minute my husband says he wants to be done, then he doesn't. But ultimately we do not share the same view point on trying again and I feel like even if I were to give him more time think about it, he'd tell me no. Im just not okay today. I dont want to be fighting my heart for the next X amount of years wondering "what if?".