I’m sitting here still in disbelief.

A little more than a week ago I went in to confirm miscarriage and a baby had developed. The odds hadn’t been in my favor and I was prepared, as I always seem to be after two miscarriages, for the worst. I had about a day or two of happy (and shock) after finding out I wasn’t miscarrying after all and then the fading/intermittent symptoms had me all up in my head again. Some wonderful ladies in this group reached out to let me know I wasn’t alone even updating when their scans went well. I was feeling better but having stress dreams and sleeping fitfully. I was a big ball of anxiety no matter how hard I tried not to be. This brings me to this morning.

I woke up this morning, day of my appointment for another ultrasound, and my boobs felt normal. They hadn’t shrunk but didn’t feel as swollen. This had been my one consistent symptom and I was a mess. The husband drove me to my appointment and I headed in feeling like I was about to get the worst news ever.

The scan showed progress and a baby measuring 8 weeks with a good heartbeat. Cue the biggest wave of relief and joy! Seeing that little flickering heart beat melted my heart. Interesting enough I won’t hear a heartbeat until 12 weeks as they prefer not to put Doppler on the baby until then. And I am ok with this as I need baby steps towards accepting that my body is finally doing the thing and growing a tiny human being. We tried for so long and suffered so much disappointment that I just so prepared myself for it to not happen. Seeing the heartbeat right now is enough and I am pretty sure when I *hear* the adorable little blob’s heartbeat I am going to come undone.... and then probably panic about so many things afterwards lol.

This motherhood journey is wild right out the gate. I have always known having a child would be nothing but constant worry (my optimism showing again, lol), but I thought it would start once the little human was outside of my body. Boy was I wrong. I spend all day thinking about this tiny parasite and how every action I do affects it - including all the stupid anxiety I cannot shut off. It is exhausting and it is beautiful. I think I am going to start journaling because I’m going to forget a lot of this!

I am going to be happy. I was offered a scan in 2 weeks or in 4 weeks when baby will be 12 weeks and I took 12 weeks because I’m going to be happy to be pregnant and start doing little things that show this little one I am preparing for an impending arrival and not worse-case scenario from this point forward. The scan is the day after my birthday and I cannot wait to see how much my little one has progressed by then and of course finally get to hear the heartbeat!

If you are recovering from loss, keep pushing.... it is worth it. Find a doctor who listens and is in your corner - I wouldn’t be here and prepared to work at being happy if it wasn’t for my doc’s support and willingness to listen and be there in so many little ways!