EDI

Hi all. I have been hiding for a while. It’s gotten worse. I’m not safe. Tomorrow I’m going to look at an apartment If t hey accept me I will take it. Please pray for me. I’m in such a dark place and I feel safe posting here he will never see it. Please pray for me...

In an argument, he told me I’m not a real woman because real women can get pregnant...

Edit.

Thanks for the support everyone. I feel so alone and he’s so awful to say that and other comments like that. TTC unsuccessfully has been absolutely devastating. Comments like that... I don’t know what to do with myself. I just feel despair honestly. I wish he was as loving and kind to me as complete strangers have been to me on this site.

I wish I could just start over. Sometimes I look at my own baby pictures and realize how badly I failed myself. I wasn’t able to keep that little girl in the picture safe. I made a horrible life for me. Just one bad decision after the other.

On top of being infertile and as if that wasn’t hard enough, I just wish I was loved. I say that with the absolute devastation of realizing how alone I actually am.

That’s me. As a little girl. I don’t have too many photos and I hold on to this one tightly. There I had no idea the hard road that lay ahead of me. Looking back. I wish I could pick that child up right out of the photo and have done better for her. Maybe I’m just grieving The child I couldn’t have and the way I went through life seeking to be loved in all the wrong places.

I work hard. Everyday. I wake up at 4am and go to work. Im gentle and kind to those I care for. Im kind and good at my job. I Smile. I use my eyes since you can’t see my face anymore. And no one would ever know how alone I feel inside. And that at the end of the day. I come home to emptiness. And cruelty. I’m so sad. I wish he would see me. I wish he loved me for the hard worker I am. The dedicated person I am in all areas of my life including the relationship. He makes me feel invisible. Today I am glad the mask covers most of my face. You can’t tell how much I have been crying this way. Thanks for listening. H