I just need to put it out into the world.

Some days I'm worn down.... I'm up at 5a get myself and our toddler going along with coffee and breakfast for us and my SO. drive 20 minutes to drop my toddler off. Drive 30 min to work. Im the boss that cares so im always getting pulled, dragged, running, problem solving, customer service (even to those that don't deserve it), and now public safety monitor. Get out typically around 3-4p do the 50 min to get my daughter and home and thats if I dont need to have conversations with my father in-law who watches my toddler. So home around 5p most nights. Then make dinner and have dinner while entertaining a toddler. Get her ready for bed around 7:30-8p. She's typically fighting sleep till 9p. Then I get an hour to clean, laundry, homework from work, and try and relax. This is if i dont have any errands and most weeks 5-6 sometimes 7days ....)this doesn't include intimate time with my SO

Some days im jealous...my mother was a kind, peaceful, loving sole. She had cancer from the time I was 7 years old till her passing with whats called chemo brain when I was 23. My father was abusive to my brother and I growing up mentally and physically. Untill my parents divorced when I was 14yr old.. He had many health issues he would ignore care of. He passed 2 years after my mother on Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a>. I see family's with women my age taking a walk with their parents and have good relationships. They can talk to them, they can call them, they can ask for advice, they can ask for help, they have people in their life that will always care and want the best for them.

Some days im sad.... i look at my precious, beautiful, innocent toddler. She doesn't have a grandmother that cares. She doesn't have a grandmother that sends her birthday cards that say I love you. She doesn't have a grandmother to spoil her, she will never know any other women but me to love and care for her.

Some days im bitter.... my brother and I have been divided since child hood. The abuse drove us apart. He was off to college while I was in high school taking care of my mom. I tried to go to college but we had spent what little family money we had on his schooling and moms medical. Scholarships for middle class white raised kids are limited and I was not an outstanding student, with only an above average swimming record. Options were limited. When my mom was moved to hospice my brother cleaned out the house and took everything including the collectables. I didnt live in town at the time and making minimum wage supporting myself, trying to go to school, and commuting to see my mom was all i could do.. i only asked for the precious moments collectables. Skipp to a few years later my brother and new wife were to be storing them decided they wanted the money and sold more than half the collectables. I let it go...kept a smile. They had their 1st son, I was at the hospital for them ran errands for them and kept an eye on their house for 2 days while they were in the hospital. Same for the 2nd child two years later. I would always make a point to find time to visit as often as I could and the boys always had gift that were out of my budget. I felt like i could and should fill some of the gap from grandma's not here any more to do it. forward to my 1st child they couldn't attend either baby shower that a few aunts did or the one that my best friend that live across the country gave me. I gave birth with only my SO thier and no one to help or even say congratulations.

Some days im angry.... my SO tries and always means well. He can have a short temper with him self and it occasionally come out at us. Not to mention his time management drives me crazy! We butt headed at time about these things and sometimes other. My frustration builds up and he can push me to anger. Im not saying he's a bad guy and he does help around the house more than some. He knows how to push my button's and after a long day of bs at work I just can't.

Some days im overwhelmed....

Some days I have a sort temper... i try to remember that my child does things for a reason. I try to remember to treat my child as if someone was watching me. I try to count down to give her time and me time to respond. I try to only spank when my child does something that hurts others. Sometimes I rase my voice. Sometimes "time out" is the only option. I try to give my child the respect she needs, the attention she craves, the companion she deserves, and the love she can feel. But some days life will test you!

Someday im wounded..... my relationship started with blind love. My blind love had me cheated on multiple times and bailing him out from a dui. This was the breakdown. Enough is enough we turned a corner and since has stayed away from other women and is trying everything he can to make it up to me and our daughter. Sometimes I didnt cry enough at the time and iv got to get more out. Other days its so scared I feel like an unemotional stone.

Some days are just that..... i watch the news and wonder why we are only hearing half of the information. I wonder why I work so had to have a 3rd of my pay go to taxes not included medical, and medical that still has co pay. Why I spend so much time working and dedication to work when I keep getting asked to complete special projects or train others that get promotions but me im over looked for promotions. Im I doing the right thing for my child. Am I teaching my children everything. When can my child be a child with out the fear of a pandemic. How can we make it in this world and enjoy when we work all day and struggle to pay bills. How can otheres live a life of luxury and comfort when im always worried.... about something. How can we all be so divided and no sense of community, religion, general acts of kindness .

Every day im blessed!...... Im a non practicing catholic, but still have my fath. I have a SO that does what he can to provide and help not to mention good looking. I have a beautiful health child that smiles kisses and hugs me constantly. I have a decent job that pays my bills, keeps a warm and cool house and food on our table. Our jobs may not afford lavish things or vacations but we find a way to get a way or enjoy the zoo when we have time. My child will not be without as long as I can. We are a small family of 3, we have each other and love each other. We are blessed.

I have my smile even behind my mask and I wish to share it with you! Just smile its contagious

Thank you for reading. Just things I need to get out into the world even if no reads it its out. Sorry for the mis spellings. It was done on a phone.