am I depressed? I think the answer is yes, but this is not something I want to admit.

Being a new mom at 22 is hard, being a new mom at any age is hard. Maybe I wasn’t ready, maybe I never really wanted kids, maybe I did this for everyone else and not myself.

I wasn’t sure how I felt and I still don’t know. Night time is really hard for me. I’m terrified of letting my baby go, I’m terrified he won’t be breathing when I wake up. I have so much anxiety about something happening to my baby that I can’t stop or control.

There is something else besides the anxiety that I feel, but I didn’t want to admit it out loud. I didn’t want my baby to hear me. I wished I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I wished my life didn’t change. I wished he wasn’t here. This rips me apart to say and to think because I know I don’t mean it. I know it isn’t me.

On top of already feeling like a shitty new mom, I feel like an even worse mom saying and thinking I wished my son never existed.