I feel really ugly all the time, but I know I’m pretty. And saying I’m pretty makes me feel vain but saying I’m ugly makes me feel attention seeking. All I know is that when I look in the mirror, I see this beautiful girl who is flawed but those flaws are part of her beauty.

But when I can’t see my reflection I feel so ugly, and it doesn’t happen all the time, but when I’m alone but around people I want to hide. Suddenly I’m hyper focused on my body hair and the weird dark spots around my elbows that won’t go away and my hair is probably a mess and greasy and my facial expressions look weird and my glasses are definitely crooked and my stomach is huge and flabby and my hips are too small and my shoulders are too broad and I don’t know what to do with my hands they’re just dangling awkwardly and I’m too awkward and the list goes on. And sometimes I’m fine and I’m distracted, but other times I’m trying to hide my body but I can’t without being too obvious. And I don’t want to be too obvious because if they know that I don’t like that part of me they’ll pick at it over and over and point out all my flaws because I’m hideous.

But I know I’m not actually ugly, I’m just being irrational and stupid because that’s just who I am. I’m a mess and no one want to be around me because I’m a stupid, irrational mess and they probably don’t see the girl in the mirror they see the monster that everyone I’ve ever known has told me that they’ve seen. And honestly I wish that the me in my head was on the outside because then I wouldn’t feel crazy, I’d just be ugly and sane.