It feels like it’s been ages since my soul died. I can still remember the first time I felt the soul crushing sadness. I’ve experienced a lot of physical and emotional pain in the years since and I am a firm believer that death would have been kinder. That sadness and the anger that followed have been my only real emotions since.

I mourn the person I was before. I fucking miss that person more than anything and I want her back. I know that she’s lost but I haven’t found the strength to accept it.

I have tried to resurrect my soul in the years that followed, but I have been unsuccessful. The void always consumes anything that dares creep into the hole my soul left behind.

I won’t lie there are some days I do forget and I almost feel good again. I relish those days. The bad days are what get me. I can’t hardly stand them anymore the pain is horrible and life is barely worth it. If an animal were in this much pain it would be euthanized. For example there are days the pain is paralyzing; I honestly feel like my body and mind have lost the will to fight. It’s those days I long for relief. Though I stay for my children. Not because they need me but because I can’t stand the thought of leaving them.

No one knows any of this and if they did they’d accuse me of looking for attention or being dramatic, and if they didn’t they’d see me in a new light and be afraid. For the soulless beast is a scary thing.