I’ve recently been able to figure out who I really feel I am and that’s great but there are things I want to do but am too I guess scared to do them because my age and personality is a factor to consider.

I figured out I’m definitely Bi and I really want to start dating but I’ve never been in any sort of relationship and never even had my first kiss so I feel like I need to wait until I’m at least 20 to start dating(I’ll be 19 in a couple months), but don’t want to wait a whole other year or more to start dating.

I also don’t even really want to date a guy and I’m totally down for my first relationship to be with a girl. But I’m honestly just hesitate on doing anything because I have no experience and feel I wouldn’t know how to I guess react to things and feel I’d probably be extra awkward because I have pretty bad anxiety at times and get way to in my head about things and don’t know how that could work with being in a relationship with someone.

I also don’t have a lot of confidence in well many aspects, so I sort of worry if anyone would even find me attractive in that way?

I’m also still in my teens and don’t want to use any dating apps because those seem to be just for hooking up and even though I’m more open minded about sex(not waiting until marriage but still doing it with someone special), I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Plus I feel like if I don’t date someone that’s at least my age or maybe a year older it could possibly just be a bit weird? Like say they’re three years older. It’s not a big age gap but I still wonder what more of an adult would see with a being with a teen because I would be starting college and they could be finishing college and can do a lot of things while I can’t and things could just be different ya know?

Plus I still live with my mom due to specific reasons and I am truthfully not even sure if I’m allowed to date. My older brother started dating at like 16 and my older sister hasn’t dated anyone and she’s 25, so I think she would be fine with it(she also is open minded and accepting of things so that’s a plus but she still can be protective and wary) But I do feel like maybe she would want me to be cautious and safe about how I go about it because I did do something really stupid in the past when I was 14 with a guy a barley knew(and regret it deeply), that she found out about it and that did get brought up a few times after it happened but we don’t talk about it anymore. I still just don’t know.(also don’t even know how I would bring the subject up to my mom in the first place given the past. I have changed a lot since then and am better mentally but am so unsure of things)

I rather meet someone online and get to know them that way then through like a in person thing because for some weird reason I have more confidence over messaging than in person which is weird I know(I’m trying to get better at being more social and less awkward but the pandemic doesn’t help with that since I can’t really go out and be exposed to people).

If someone happens to read this, please don’t judge me too badly....