Back in the dark

Felt like I was doing okay for a little bit but back in the deep dark hole again... I don't know how many times I can keep going through this before you just start becoming suicidal and not wanting to live anymore...I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old and it's like I feel like I should have never had them because who the f*** wants to grow up with a mom like this I never wanted to be one of those stupid b****** who brought kids into the world to suffer. I've tried medications over the years they don't work I don't want to be on medication... I thought therapy would help and I'm to the point now where I just I don't want to do therapy.. I have no money no insurance no positive outlook on the future nothing I'm just sad and scared all the time. I don't know what else to do but I'm tired of being like this over 20 years man. I just don't know what else to do