How can i?

The tears i was never able to share. Not because i did not want to but i couldn't. Ever since 17 April 2020 i have not been able to attach myself to anything or anyone. I have closed off and ignored anything that will bring me to tears. I'm a loner and i am okay with that. I am not lonely but alone. I have not yet cried for Warona(sesotho name meaning ours) as much as i think i should have. Though i have acknowledged i haven't accepted and what i don't want it for all this feeling to rub on to my coming nut. How do i come to terms and not compare. How do i enjoy this pregnancy without feeling guilty. How do i smile were as all i wanna do is cry out my love, the one i will always have for my no more unborn baby. How?