Please do not judge me...

I’ve been with my bf for a year. When I first met him it was nothing serious. He never lied to me, but he told me had an illegal occupation I was clearly against. He said he didn’t want to do it. It was just for now. Well I told him if we start anything, he has to change before a real committed relationship. So he did for a while and got a real job. He was so unsatisfied. I told him everyday “let’s fill out apps together” he wouldn’t. I gave up. So then he went back to the occupation I been against. He keeps going between that and a real job... we been going through it badly because I knew he had been lying saying he was at work. I just knew he wasn’t. One day he told me he was going out of town up and out of nowhere. I asked him not to because we had been fighting. He said ok. I went to my moms house to take a break. He txt me saying he’s going to the hospital. I drove 25 mins to our apartment at night and he knows I can’t see. He ended up going 8 hours away on the trip always. He asked me yesterday to up and leave with him to travel, I didn’t think he was serious. He didn’t even come by to ask me to my face. He just left and went with his friend instead on vacation I feel as though he had no intentions on going with me. I found out on his friends Snapchat. It’s just like he lies everyday to cover up a lie. And telling me he won’t lie is yet ANOTHER LIE. We got into it, he said some things then choked me several times. He doesn’t see the wrong. He tells me I’m crazy. I told him if he wanted to be together that he needs to go get help. I will too because I know I have anger issues.

Oh and we live together so that makes it worse all my stuff is there. I haven’t told my mom. She likes him and swears I’m the crazy. I’m not going to tell her. It’s embarrassing. That’s who he makes me out to be. He makes me look like I’m crazy.

On the other hand. My ex had been texting me numerous times every month for the past year. I told him I have a bf. But he still tries. But I do still think about him a lot. Even in moments when I’m not suppose to..and I do still love him. He never laid a hand on me. We dated about 3 years ago and something just always brings us back together but never officially. I don’t know if it’s just the sex or... what honestly. He said he’s changed. He said he won’t give up trying. I’ve never known him to be so persistent. Usually one of us is seeing someone else and that just makes us not on the same page. I feel as though he’s just that one. But what if he’s the one that just never works out.

If I go see my ex while he’s out of town. That makes me a bad person but my bfs been disrespecting me.