In january I lost my cat. She was 18 and I had had her since she was 6 weeks old and I was 6.

One Friday we were eating chicken nuggets together and by Sunday she was entirely unresponsive. I had to let my baby go that Monday. I had her cremated.

I didnt have many friends growing up. I had divorced parents and was mentally and emotionally abused by my dad. No matter what, I knew she would be waiting for me when I got back home. She was the only constant in my life through everything and I dont have any memories without her.

Now it is September. Today is her birthday. She would have been 19. This time last year we were eating a cupcake, because despite what they say about cats not tasting sweet she loved sweets.

I honestly feel like losing her was a trauma for me. Ive felt myself sinking since January. I was already struggling but i think losing her was one of the breaking points. Ive developed strange anxieties, paranoia about something happening to my other cat who is also older, and have also began having sensory issues (with noise, textures). Ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about 4 years but am difficult to medicate due to a gene mutation and therefore am not medicated.

Therapy isn't an option for several weeks because of covid and many providers closing their practices or limiting patients. I usually don't get many responses if any when I post here, but I need some sort of relief, kind words, suggestions. Ive been stuck in a very dark place in a body that now just feels different and its hard