Is it bad to grow up seeing no conflict at all?

Question

Is it bad? I grew up in high school seeing my parents argue and fight. My husband didnt. Whenever we had problems he would just shut down. I didnt know how to communicate with him I would be the one crying or yelling & he would just stay quite or usually get his shoes & leave & not say a word. When I expressed how I felt he would say "are you done?" & leave. Is this because of the way he grew up & not communicating well? He doesnt know why he does that.

Answer

not necessarily. but the way it's affected his communication is difficult. neither yelling nor shutting down are functional ways to deal with conflict. i think it would be beneficial to look into therapy for both to understand each other better and address conflict as a couple.

Answer

It seams as both of you don't know how to communicate. He shuts down to protect himself and you shout to be heard both obviously doesn't work. If you can express your feelings in a calm and non accusing way then maybe he will be able to reply.

Answer

That could be a small part of it. But the reality is we all have different communication techniques, some we respond to and others we shut down. It’s funny because my pastor just did a message about communication today and this was a topic. There are tons of personality assessments out there that tell us what our communication style is. There’s the love language, myers briggs, enneagram...I recommend looking into all of those and exploring it with your husband. Maybe you can better understand one another. I know with my husband and I, I’m the more emotional one. I’m very expressive and cry and I like to talk things over. Whereas my husband gets quiet and he reverts back into himself before he comes and talks about an argument. He likes to chill out first and I like to get down to business and talk about things right then and there. And then when i react, my husband doesn’t know what to do so he’ll have the same reaction your husband has where he just gets up and leaves and it pisses me off lol. 
We’ve learned that we need to compromise and understand one another in order to “fight fair” and to communicate better. I learned to just give my husband that time to cool off and my husband learned to just let me express my feelings and to show me he’s actually listening to me.

Answer

No. My daughter has never seen us argue. If we disagree about something, we’ll go in our bedroom and talk about it instead of yelling where she can hear. We just don’t want her to think that you have to yell to get your point across.
So when my mom yelled at me and attempted to fight me while my daughter was with me, she was completely lost as to what was happening.

Answer

You crying and yelling is not going to help. Id definitely suggest therapy. Or you can practice expressing yourself in a calm manner to tell him how you feel. You can look up tips online too in the meantime. Maybe that will help him not shut down.

Answer

Have a look at the ‘four horseman’ there is a podcast about it on marriage therapy radio. It explains how we react differently on arguments. He’s likely going into a stress response where he freezes and doesn’t know what to say. That’s what I do..

Answer

Find something that works for both of you individually and meet in the middle. Maybe for you its writing a letter to him about the issue, maybe for him its just responding to that verbally. Im not saying that exact thing would work for you guys, but both of you are going to have to give a little. I grew up in constant turmoil and my communication methods are shit, but when your partner is willing to work on it with you it gets better

Is it bad to grow up seeing no conflict at all?

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