A warning for rape

As far as my fiancé knows I’ve only been in one relationship before him. And he knows that relationship was bad.

My ex used to neglect me, tell me I was crazy and hysterical when I was mentally ill, offered me no support and gave me sexual trauma.

I gave him everything. I gave him love and intimacy. I sat by the bed and encouraged him while he had anxiety so bad he couldn’t get out of bed.

I used to chalk it up to speaking a different love language.

I’ve told my fiancé about how my ex made me feel disgusting and dirty for masturbating. God forbid I watched porn even though he did every day - he used to show me clips of violent or gross things being done to girls. He told me I was unfaithful and gross because I’m bisexual even though I never cheated on him.

I still struggle with those things.

But...

I haven’t told my fiancé about how I feel like he raped me.

He threatened that he’d break up with me if I didn’t want to have sex anymore. (Fun fact: he told me he wouldn’t be upset if we broke up because you shouldn’t “cry over spilled milk” that made me feel important... not)

Specifically I asked him if he’d be okay if we stopped for a couple of months due to my mental health. I wanted to die at the time so sex was unappealing.

I never said no but I used to cry during sex, tell him it hurt and he’d keep going, sometimes I would just lay there.

But I didn’t say no, so was it rape?

Should I tell my fiancé?

It doesn’t really affect our sex lives and I’ve had time to recover from it now.

I’ve told him about the traumas I still struggle with, just not that.