*If you get anxiety based upon relationships maybe you shouldn’t read this

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now. We love each other, and we have only ever dated each other. He is older than my by 4 years, and because he is older and has grown up with more liberties, he was able to experience and do more things than me. I grew up in a VERY sheltered household. He is my first and only kiss and the first and only person I have had sex with.

I trust him and do not doubt him. Anything he says I believe. He is a good person.

I guess you can say I have a lot of baggage. For the past maybe 6 months I’ve been going to therapy to aid in my insecurities about myself and my fear of commitment. It has helped a lot, but I’ve still yet to overcome these random springs of jealousy for nonexistent rivals.

My worries and anxiety convince me to believe there is a problem, that I’m not special. Logically it doesn’t make sense because in every way possible he has shown me that he is committed to our relationship. My therapist had told me that I make up scenarios to sabotage my relationship in order to prevent heartbreak. She had said that I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy so I punish myself. My mind doesn’t see reason and logic sometimes.

I know it is wrong of me and bad, but I think about my bf’s past sexual relations. I compare myself to girls I’ve never seen before. I imagine what the girls might have looked like, what the sexual event must have been like, what positions they tried, did my bf finish, was he nervous, did he enjoy it, etc. I just hurt myself when I think about it.

I shouldn’t be doing that. I shouldn’t be jealous. I make myself believe that because he’s had sex before me I’m not special. I think about the girls he’s had sex with, and I wonder if it was very special when he first had sex. Does he treasure it? This is wrong of me. There’s nothing wrong with having multiple sexual partners. Those experiences were years ago. We didn’t know each other back then. Frankly, it’s none of my business.

I wonder if I would feel the same way if my bf wasn’t my first?

I feel awful. I try to think about this logically, but it doesn’t help. I want to discuss this with my boyfriend, but is there anything to discuss? The problem is with me and my insecurities. There is no “solution.” I feel like I would just hurt him. Even if he wanted to, he can’t change the past.

I know the problem is mine. I just need advice. Please, is there anything I can do to stop being jealous? Should I tell my boyfriend? If I should, how should I go about it?

I also ask that you aren’t accusatory in your responses. I know I’m at fault, and I feel awful for it.