It was august 22nd 2020 when I married my best friend. ♥️

Shortly before the day’s leading to the wedding we started trying for our first ever baby .. we have set plans.

Love. Home. Marriage. Baby.

Love was easy, I’ll love him with my entire being forever without worry.

Home also easy & fun; we found the perfect rental to start our little family in & it’s high end .. something I never seen for myself ..

Marriage.. the big one. I am thankful every day that I married a man I have never once had second thoughts about, never worried over him lying or hurting me .. never lost sleep or cried over him .. he’s my perfect human.. my one & only .. our wedding fit the perfect description I’ve had in my mind of my wedding day since I was a little bright eyed girl..

Marriage was easy & full of love, to this day it’s easy in the most splendid ways ..

Here we are.. number 4 on my list..

BABY.

You grow up watching pregnancy after pregnancy. New life’s everywhere, new love.

You also see Moms making it look ... easy.

You see women who never wanted kids having kids & you get excited thinking

“This will be easy”....

For some women it is easy, others its just easy to hide how uneasy it really is...

I tracked my periods to a T.

Ovulation.

Sex every other day & the day of ovulation.

Tests. Tests. Tests. Tests.

NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.

Wait... is that a POSITIVE!?!?

You feel with excitement.. you tell family.. you cry & you love with a love you never known existed on this earth..

“That was easy”

You plan the names

reveal party & shower

you get all these congratulations & wish you wells

You feel it all becoming real...

You plan that first ultrasound at 8wks

You plan. You plan. You plan.

You feel & track all the symptoms

You already love this little life with everything

“Easy”

I was 5wks & 4 days, September 22nd 2020 when I was told I had a miscarriage. It didn’t feel real & till this day it still doesn’t.

I had started bleeding pretty heavily & naturally being a worrier I headed to the emergency room.

Test. Test. Test. Test.

NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE. NEGATIVE.

My hormone levels were dropping & I had started to clot ..

They told me my pregnancy was gone.

Crushed. I was crushed.

“Why?” ...

...”these things happen”...

These things do happen. Randomly.

They happen so much that I don’t understand the stigma.

I’d be 6wks & 5days today..

my first ultrasound appointment on Friday is now my “triple check the miscarriage” appointment..

My husband & I are currently back & trying again. I can’t say that fear isn’t already suffocating, it is. We’re both in this state of limbo & loss but we crave our first child so much. Waiting longer, for me, isn’t an option..

I grow ever more frustrated as some of my pregnancy symptoms seem to be progressing.. even though I was told it was lost..

Larger breasts

Bloating

Linea nigra (pregnancy line below belly button)

Dizziness

Etc.

Leaving me confused & feeling bullied by my own body..

Here I am still looking at the

tests.

Pictures.

Messages.

Wondering what I did wrong when everything was planned so perfect ..

I really honestly thought this would be ...

easy.

Thank you for reading my story.

(Stay strong mamas. You’re not alone. It’s okay to not be okay.♥️🌹)