Cutting out family advice

Hi ladies,

Looking for some rational input into my situation.

I’ve had a rough time with my in laws. They live 100 ish miles away, but when daughter was born (18 months ago) they either did a day visit or stayed with us once a month for a weekend. We probably only saw them 3 maybe 4 times a year before this (been with husband 10 years).

Anyway... they started behaving odd since the birth of my daughter. They started by passing not very nice comments every so often towards me. Mostly my father in law e.g “we don’t care about you, your just an incubator for grandchildren”, name calling me “fatty”, flipping me off behind my back when we hosted them over Christmas, not really properly acknowledging me when we meet up, and when MIL gets her phone out for pictures it would be of my husband and daughter only - so excluding me in family pictures and most recently having a go at my husband in a Facebook message for not actively talking to them about their grandchildren. The latter I imagine was written and sent when they’d been drinking too much. They LIKE their drink.... we’ve had one accidental phone call in the middle of the night following my daughters christening earlier this year, which we also think was drink driven, as were half of the nasty comments above. Their drinking has never effected us, until baby came on the scene. This has all happened in the last 18 months.... prior to this we’ve had NO real problems.

This situation has me incredibly upset. I thought they saw me as part of their family, but definitely not the case anymore. I feel like I have been disrespected and my mental health has taken a nose dive because of it all.

I have been sending them 20-30 photos every month all year (never get any comments from them) and they probably speak to my husband once a week. It gives me intense anxiety...

Hosting them or even seeing them is emotionally and mentally exhausting - because of all the crap mentioned above and other minor nuisances that have happened. Since lockdown they went through a long phase (5 months) where They’ve not once messaged me to ask about the pictures or comment on them. I’ve had one thank you message for the pictures in the last 6 months from my mother in law, and that sums up the exchange I’ve had with them all year.

In fact, they only started making an effort to be at least socially ‘inclusive’ with me about a month after we told them we were expecting another baby.... to me this just screams ‘fake’ and wanting an ‘in’ with the ‘incubator’ (me) for their next grandchild.

Latest, was last month, husband received an aggressive Facebook message blaming my husband (and in extension us both) for not making them more involved in the middle of the night. My husband doesn’t know how to approach them because he knows we’ve done nothing wrong. There is nothing to defend. This alone tells me that if we ever confront them over their inappropriate behaviour - they’ll defend, ignore and blame on me.

I have been uncomfortable around them for some time 😖 and husband did not respond to the message he received from his Dad. My husband is non confrontational (so am I, I haven’t responded to any of the awful comments)..... and he doesn’t really communicate with his family (he’s always been this way).

I just don’t know what to do.... I’ve already asked my husband to try to clear the air with them.... but he just doesn’t have the courage or want to do that. His Dad comes across as a bully, and my biggest fear is him continuing with the awful behaviour (and drinking) around our children 😞.

I have now being diagnosed with antenatal anxiety and depression related to in laws. I was in a bad place and luckily offered therapy on the NHS which is helping but the only resolution is stop exposing myself to them (my trigger). I am inclined to ‘cut them out’.... but it’s such a big decision and I don’t know how to even go about making this choice and what kind of strain it would put on our marriage because of it 🥺.

Any advice would be appreciated.