Hi girls. This is a weird topic for me and idk what to think. I had my daughter in April (she’s 5 months old) & she’s the love of my life. I have a 6 year old daughter as well who I love so much! With my firstborn I didn’t experience this. I had baby blues and that subsided in the first two weeks to a month and I was good to go. But this is different. Here’s what I’m experiencing....

I just feel kind of lost and don’t know whether I have it. And I’ve questioned it for like the last 3-4 months but I just keep telling myself “oh I’m okay, it’s just cause I’m a new mom again” or “it’s just being home all the time” or “it’s the breastfeeding & I will stop crying once that’s over” but I just don’t feel like myself. I’m TRYING so hard to tho. And not everyday is bad. I have really good days. But most days I find myself TRYING to have a good day and it’s exhausting. I don’t ever have any issues in regards to harming myself or my baby (although I get really scary intrusive thoughts ABOUT my baby being harmed -not by me- that can be very overwhelming regardless) but I have just about every other sign and it scares me and I feel like I’m trying to avoid it cause “I couldn’t possibly have ppd” versus seeking help cause I don’t want to seem over dramatic. I have some really good days don’t get me wrong, but I spend 75% of my time feeling hopeless, unworthy, inadequate, guilty, etc. & my fiancé does a great job of telling me how amazing I am so it’s nothing to do with him or the support I get in house. So idk why I feel these ways. I’ve thought maybe it’s not having a job but work doesn’t give me a sense of worthiness & the idea of working again stresses me out so much cause I’m already so stressed without work taking up my time so idk. I’m constantly having outbursts of tears and frustration, or will just randomly go from happy, to sad or quiet in a second without warning or reason. I’m exhausted but have trouble sleeping. My memory and concentration has been everywhere and trying to remain focused on even just the smallest tasks can be difficult considering I have to remember so much on a daily and weekly basis when it comes to my girls, my fiancé, the 2 dogs, the house, bills, the errands, the homeschooling, job searching, etc.. Some days I eat everything and other days I don’t wanna eat at all and I’m skipping meals and barely eating. Some days I have so much energy and get all the laundry and cleaning done and other days I barely wanna wash a spoon or make a PBJ for my daughter. And then, on those nights especially, I go to bed at night and feel guilty about not wanting to mom or in general just being exhausted trying to exist in my world that I cry myself silently to sleep to avoid waking my fiancé and having to explain how I’m feeling cause idk how to explain how I’m feeling or why I feel like crying. & this has never been me. I’m so happy and outgoing and carefree. & I wanna open up to my fiancé cause he’s the only one I trust and who knows me like the back of his hand, but he worries so much and I don’t want him to think it’s him or he’s the problem cause it’s not that at all. But I feel like he wouldn’t understand why I feel this way. I thought my hormones would even out so I didn’t think much of it in the beginning, and then I thought breastfeeding was just hard and that too will settle eventually. But it’s been months and I still feel like I haven’t found myself yet since giving birth to my daughter. & I try to keep everything going the same, & act as if nothings wrong in hopes that if I do that, I will realize nothings actually wrong. But now I’m just questioning whether or not I should just call my doctor? But for what? For them to push happy pills on me I don’t wannna take. I’m just so lost...i know it’s okay not to be okay. But I don’t feel okay not being okay when my family needs me to be okay for them. and trying to remain okay is just becoming an exhausting job cause I don’t even know what’s wrong...😫