The Loss of Our Logan (Non Graphic Pics)

This is the first time I’m telling this story...I’m sorry if it comes off long winded.

We were pregnant with twins last year after a successful IVF cycle. The pregnancy started off rough, I kept getting UTIs, then Kidney infections, and ultimately kept getting hospitalized.

I didn’t know at the time that with each infection, my cervix was shortening. Eventually one of the two sacs ruptured around 19/20 weeks, but I didn’t go into labor or feel any associated pain.

They told me that I could go into labor at any moment and it was too soon to have the babies, that they wouldn’t survive. I refused to terminate the pregnancy and instead went to an ER with a highly rated NICU.

At the ER they told me the same thing, but also gave me the option of waiting...which I gladly took. We waited and waited and it wasn’t until another month that my little Logan decided she wanted to come out.

I delivered the babies by emergency c-section at 24 weeks and 3 days. They both came out only needing 20% of assisted oxygen, no infections, and no brain bleeding.....two miracles.

Lennox and Logan were the stars of the NICU. They had their struggles, but overcame every hurdle. Four months had passed and we were ready to take Lennox, the boy home.

I continued to go to the NICU very day to visit and nurse my little girl....but she started to decline out of nowhere. One day she needs more oxygen, then on other day she needed to have the oxygen mask put back on...then she needed to be reintubated. No one could tell us what was wrong. They eventually theorized that she had developed pulmonary hypertension, but by the time they introduced any therapy to address it, it was too late.

We lost our little girl at 5 months and 6 days. She took her last breath in my husband’s arms. I wasn’t at the NICU at the time and arrived about a hour after she passed.

Although we’re very grateful for the experience, the time we had with her...it’s gut wrenching. We can’t look at Lennox without seeing his sister. It’s difficult to separate the two of them in my mind. I think it’s unfair to Lennox, to constantly compare what could have been...but I’m trying to work on that. He’ll be turning 1 in just under 2 weeks. I won’t be able to acknowledge that without acknowledging her. It’s our new unfortunate normal.