Mental Health Advice for You

LONG CONCERNED POST AHEAD!!

**trigger warning**

So! When I was first TTC I was super worried about my mental health. I have anxiety and depression. I knew going into TTC would stress me out and make things harder. I was ready to start the journey; with my husband listening, great friends who understood and a doctor helping me through it all, I did okay. The fertility meds made me more moody and easily upset, but nothing we couldn't handle. Once we finally got pregnant the journey really started. Everyone talks about how you'll be moody and hormonal, but I never expected this. It feels like I'm not on any of my meds. It's very trying. I want nothing more than a happy, healthy baby! However, I often feel that I'm not doing enough for her. I also don't feel any excitement or joy for finally being pregnant. I'm 23 weeks and perhaps 2 weeks out of that have I felt full of love for our little girl. I'm extremely worried about postpartum depression and not being able to care or connect with her. At this current rate I won't be breast feeding. I need something stronger that isn't safe for a growing baby. I have very strong feelings of failing her for this. I've had dreams of people judging me for my parenting style and decisions. I've had dreams that I'm so upset because of their judgements I try to hurt myself. I wake feeling suicidal. I wake thinking maybe they're right, maybe my precious baby girl is better without me. These feelings and thoughts make everything so much harder! My doctor and I are trying to find things to help, but it's hard. I tell you this so that maybe you can be a little bit more prepared than I was. For those with mental health concerns, do not take anything lightly. Really think about how you handle things and have a plan in place for when things go south. Really think about how life is like not being on anything. I can't tell you if your reaction to all the hormones will be similar or not, but I'd love for you to think about it. I didn't stop taking anything, just the hormones are too much. If you have any doubts about your ability to handle this kind of situation, perhaps consider adoption. You want to start growing your family and that's wonderful! But don't put your mental health state last. Any baby you have needs you at your best! And I'm afraid my marriage has been negatively affected. I'm asking so much of my husband. And that'll only get worse once our baby arrives. I'm hoping we'll be able to work through it once I'm more stable. But I'm pleading with you to truly consider adoption if you're concerned about how you'll handle the hormones.