I barely know you. Yet I’m ur only option to talk to. That in its self is sad.

I’ve been through anxiety n depression as you have and that’s why you talk to me about your problems.

But I don’t want to hear it anymore.

I’m glad I’m helping you. I truly am. And I’m also very sorry you have to go through this. And that you feel alone.

I won’t stop helping. I won’t tell you to stop reaching out each damn time you feel sad or anxious.

I won’t.

The selfish part of me wants to. But I’d rather jump a bridge than tell you.

I don’t know if I believe in god. I hope he’s real. Or at least I hope there’s something good after death.

But if he is real. This must be a test. I couldn’t help ryan enough.

And I missed an opportunity to help Alec because I was too scared.

I won’t repeat that history. I refuse to. So maybe this is another chance to see what I will do.

If it is a test it’s a cruel one. This year may be worse than any. I foolishly thought that would b impossible to have an even worse year.

But you have to realize that dumping this all on me isn’t fair. What you have failed to consider is that maybe I’m in a bad place too. Possibly worse than you. And hearing your thoughts and problems is too much. It will send me over the edge soon.

But deep down maybe that’s what I want. Is to be sent over the edge.

My friends are changing. And some for the worse.

My dad is dying soon. And his last number of years don’t seem like they’ll be happy ones. But ones filled with regret , pain and sadness.

My moms wasting her good years away not putting herself first. Sad stressed and depressed.

Something I’ve never had happen. I lost myself.

I’m bitter. Selfish. Pessimistic. Straight bitchy and unpleasant. I lash out at the one person who helps me.

More than that I’m disrespecting myself. I’ve lost my self worth and in doing so, let ppl walk all over me.

What makes this all the more painful is I’m aware of all of this. And I still can’t and won’t change anything. I’m trying. I really am. But it’s hard to go back after everything that’s happened.

What I need to get through my head is that life is shit. It’s unfair. You’ll be stomped all over no matter how good of a person you are.

Although it may have been natural , or almost anyone’s reaction. I think it’s weak. I’m weak for changing my personality. Weak for building up these walls. For going against my morals. I didn’t realize it was happening until I did.

I don’t think I can ever go back to how I was. That version of me is truly dead.

Maybe I’m better off.

I just need a break. A real one. A long one.