On the brink of calling it a day... 😔

I’ll try to be brief but there’s a lot to my story unfortunately

Basically i married a stranger - he lied to me about almost everything in his life and was very convincing. He’d go to amazing lengths to make his deception believable and I had no reason to doubt him at the time

I’m not going to go into much detail as I still feel pain from it but after I found out he cheated a year into our marriage, I also found out I was married to a stranger and almost everything I thought I knew about him was a lie. The only thing accurate was probably his name!

After a lot, and I mean a lot of drama and him begging, I gave him a second chance and tried to get to know who he really was.

Almost exactly a year following that, I found out he was emotionally cheating with at least 2 other women he used to work with. But after another tonne of drama and more of his begging, because it wasn’t physical I decided to see what would happen.

So this is his third chance. I haven’t found out he’s done anything else since that. I never fully got my trust back for him the first time. I was starting to at the time I found out about the second time but now it’s more like if he does it, I’ll just walk rather than the worry about if it’s going to happen or bother with the anxiety I used to get.

I guess I’ve put up a massive wall to defend myself from being hurt again and it makes me indifferent, if that makes sense? But the thought of actually losing him still kills me. I know that does not sound healthy at all, right? But it’s the only way I’ve been able to deal with it. I was diagnosed with severe mental exhaustion and depression after the first time. Out of fight or flight I used to be more fight. Since all this I don’t feel like I have the energy for either.

Well now we have a 5 month old baby. For about 15 months now he hasn’t come near me - not so much as a hug or kiss unless I asked first and is far more interested in playing games on his phone. Like to the point I have to repeat myself like 4 times to get a one word answer and he doesn’t look up from his phone. He’ll tend to the baby but only if he cries first and won’t put the phone down if he can help it.

I tried to discuss it with him last night and all he kept saying was that he “lost interest in doing anything but he still loves me” - after all the lies I believe actions and not words from him and I have been feeling extremely unwanted and unloved for the last 15 months. It’s only recently I did the math and realised how long it was!

He kept bringing it back to he’s tired from working and it’s not his fault he has to go to work. I’m on mat leave and looking after the baby 24/7. Saying he shouldn’t have to work and then come home and I’m asleep, the clothes haven’t been washed. Excuse me for having a tiny human screaming in my face all day without a break after being up all night thanks to insomnia, but I’m not allowed to sleep when the baby is finally asleep during the day?!

I don’t even get a conversation out of him. He comes in, showers, gets food and is straight on his phone. I have been feeling so alone, so one of the games I have on my phone you can talk to the other people in your war alliance in the game. At least I feel like people there actually want to talk to me!

Because I was talking to them, instead of saying the same thing 5 times to get a one word answer from him, apparently my game is more important than him, so it’s my fault he doesn’t want to make an effort. His words.

I said, “after 15 months of trying and getting nothing back, I’m still the one sitting here trying to sort this out and talk to you, getting nothing back except being blamed or ignored unless I keep pressing and pressing for a reply”.

I said “so what do we do now?!” and his reply was “well you’ve already obviously decided we’re going separate ways, so I cant stop you if you feel like that”.

I said “if that’s what you want” and he cut me off with “that’s not what I want, it’s what you want”. WTF I’m the one sitting here in tears again and he’s there as calm as anything looking at his phone, and it’s what I want?!

I don’t feel like I can carry on with this much longer. It’s exactly like when he cheated a year into our marriage. Telling me he loves me and wants me but his actions show me the exact opposite all the time.

We already tried talking to a marriage therapist but nothing really came of it. It was also so expensive I could only afford 2 sessions

I just need to get this out