I've been seeing a lot about people who have post someone to suicide or almost toom their own life, it made me think and my story. I wanted to share in a place where it doeant have to show my identity, it's not because I'm ashamed but I dont trust so I usually dont speak out when people know or can know who I am.

I'm 19, I have PTSD and anxiety. I use to struggle with depression back when I was in 6-7th grade (that's when it was at it's worse) I harmed myself and wanted to commit suicide and I tried many many times. I had a group of friends we all struggled some more then others. I would also put what I was going through and what my demons were saying back and put my friends first (not that I couldn't go to them for it, that was just how I was). I was (still am) friends with this beautiful amazing girl, shes my best friend and I love her to death. She harmed herself way more that anyone I knew, her body was scared in almost anyplace she could reach and still hide. There was nights where I would stay up all night talking to her so she didnt kill herself, stay on facetime just so I knew she was still breathing, and any chance I got I was at her house by her side because she needed me and I needed her. Idc what I was doing if she needed me I was there. If I was sleeping I'd wake up, if I was in class I would leave, etc... I would listen to music and poem about suicide and how it effects your family and friends when you leave. I'd read stuff about how someone had to find you and how that never left them. But anyone who has been where I was then knew it didn't matter how many times you were told depression and the demons in your head made you this it was lies. I didnt believe the things I heard when all i could think about was ending the pain, until one day. I just got home from school and got a call from my best friend I answered like always. She was crying (we were on facetime btw) and I knew what she was thinking about, but this time I couldn't help talk her out of it. She told me she cut herself really bad before she called and showed me and I can still remember that sight in my head to this day. I was young in a situation that was way bigger then I should have been in. I was to afraid to hang up to contact her mom in fear that i wouldn't be able to and when i called her back she wouldn't answer. I screamed for her sister hoping she would hear, I texted her mom hoping she would see it as I watched my best friend pass out and go pale, I watched her bleed and there was nothing I could do. I prayed and prayed she would be ok as I hung up the phone and called her mom finally telling her and praying that her mom would get there in time. Luckily in my case she did and that beautiful girl I knew back then is now a beautiful woman engaged to a wonderful woman and is happy. When she got back to school I cried and hugged her as if when I let go she would disappear (I have never been one to cry in front of people). That feeling I had thinking I lost her. The pain I felt made me realize that even if I felt my pain was to much to deal with I would never put my loved ones through the pain I felt that day when I watched my bestfriend bleed out onto her bathroom floor not knowing if I would ever she her smile or hear her laugh or just see her again. And that day is the reason I never tried commiting suicide again. And although i still struggle daily with my other things i dont with depression. That's my story. Know your loved. I am so glad I get to see her happy with the girl she loves. Not everyone is as lucky as me to have their loved one still alive when they fought that battle. I would have nightmares of that day every night for the next 4 years, I'd scream cry and shake. But now I have a SDIT who helps he through my anxiety and PTSD and helps me live the life I deserve and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be able to live that life. And in a way my bestfriend saved me. (Even though it was in the worst way). Please talk to someone or write or draw anything that will help you through your battle and not harm yourself because you are loved even if you dont think it you are.