Hello. My name is Tori and I am 28 years old and I have 3 children. (4 y/o, 3 y/o, & a 20 month old) I just recently lost my little girl at 33 weeks gestation. My first and only daughter. My other three children are all boys. I struggled so bad with losing her and still am daily. I try to force a smile on for my children and spend time with them and be happy during it but it's like I have a imaginary pillow over my face at all times and sometimes it gets so intense that I have to sir down immediately or I have fell out. I'm guessing they are super bad panic attacks but it is miserable. With dealing with the loss of my daughter I also had to go through all this alone because my children's father and my husband was too busy out cheating on me with a girl that I THOUGHT was my best friend. And my only friend here because I moved with my husband because he had a awesome job offering and we had just gotten married and I wanted our family to grow and prosper so I trusted him to lead us in the right direction. So I had to grieve the passing of my daughter & I lost the only two people that I thought cared about me and loved me. Turns out I have no one! It's just been so hard that I've wanted to give up but in reality I can not do that because I am all my boys have. Their dad changed his phone number and I tried to contacting him through his family and they are so hateful to me and act as if I am at fault. I explained to them that I needed help getting the boys their necessities such as diapers & wipes for the younger two and pull ups for my 4 year old. (He is completely potty trained during the day but still has an accident a couple times a week if that. But I can't wash sheets every time so I need pull ups at night. Most importantly though the boys need food. He took my SNAP card with him when he left. I contacted social services right away and they said they will investigate any charges and etc and cancel the card and then when they have closed their case they will send me a new card right away and reimburse any amount that I did not spend. Well I called this morning at 8:30am to ask about any updates and told them about our situation and that my son's were hungry and I have no means to feed them at all and still the case has not been closed. :( and now with no friends or family to help me or even just be there to listen to me when I need to talk or to be a shoulder to cry on, I have no where to turn at all. I just don't understand what I done in life to deserve to lose everything and anyone that I love. What is wrong with me? Am I that unlovable and horrible?

I cant even get help from a food pantry here because our one food bank that I called a few minutes ago is closed until further notice because 6 of their volunteers or helpers tested positive for Covid 19. (One died Sunday morning) they are not allowed to open until they get their building and things professionally cleaned and sterilized to government standards. I need to figure out a way for the boys to eat breakfast asap because its breaking my heart to shreds to see them cry and beg to eat..when. they NEVER should have to.

**I am not asking anyone for anything or any hand outs. I'm legitimately not. I just needed to vent and need prayers from as many people as possible because I need a miracle but I am not asking for anything free and hate to even post becauseI really don't want to be bashed and told how bad of a mother I am. Trust me i know i am and i hate myself for not being able to feed my babies. And I'm just so emotionally and physically tired. It's been hard on me and idk**