I’ve hated living and wanted to die 😢

I realize that I’ve cared to much for the wrong people, maybe it’s my fate, and that’s allowed me to be taken advantage of causing hurt, pain, sleepless nights and depression.

Feeling bad about having 5 children, feeling like a stereotype and that I’m unlovable after a 14 year failed relationship, a marriage full of abuse, me trying again on love breaking up with him because he was emotionally unavailable and just mean. Pregnant alone unexpectedly.

My life is like a soap opera, first ex beat me down so much I have permanent scars, high speed chased me, held guns up to my head, stole, cheated, lied, beat me with belts, kidnapped; second forced me to have sex or he’d take it out on the house, saying I was sleeping with my son, accusing my boy’s of wanting to hurt their sister, leaving us days without food, turning out lights and water to punish me for not sucking his dick the right way, in Arizona heat in the summer. I wish I was making this up but I’m not and it sounds crazy but I went through all of it. After my second ended up homeless sleeping in churches with my children.

Now this third relationship mind you I’ve only been in 4, this guy is manipulative, lied about being on drugs and just mean. I left him but guess who got pregnant the first time we had sex. He sends money weekly but won’t talk about the baby only to hurt me.

I keep thinking sometimes I was born to just be hated, my parents, family just plan unwanted. I felt like giving up at one point and like dying but my kids keep me going, I love them so much, but sometimes thinking’s about my life I ask myself what’s next ???