This is what I wish I could have told my ex if he didn’t leave me.

( i feel really broken down from my ex. Some days hit worse than others. This is I guess just a rant about it all )

But I just wrote down everything I feel and this was how it turned out;

I just came to realise that you can’t tell your two emotions apart , which is the sexual release feeling and the love emotional feeling,

You only ever felt the sexual release feeling with me and thought deep down that it was real feelings.

You can’t convince me you ever felt actual real raw emotional feelings for me when every time we’d ever met it’s at 11pm to suck u off in your car. I used to get so excited to get ready and see you, feel your presence just to spend it in a car with you smoking weed and waiting for sex.

There the only moments we’ve had that only shows the sexual release feeling.

Every time you at least try to show a real feeling emotion, it only ends with sex. Where as if I show that real feeling emotion it ends with just physical feeling, no sex needed.

I’m not saying this to be vain or say I’m something special and you only used me for sex because tbh you could obviously have got better. You’ve told me before you’d literally have sex with whoever, if you wanted it.

But I know you thought you had feelings for me or even tried to force it and it just always ended up in the same sexual release way because it’s the only feeling you can feel towards a girl.

I don’t think you do it on purpose, you can if you do because we’re all entitled to have our own whatever’s but the fact That you made me believe I had a chance of being with you is not right.

So many things that we have spoken about just doesn’t add up in my head. You told me straight up from the start you wanted nothing more with me, no relationship nothing.

Next thing a Couple months down the line you tell me this has changed you said you wanted a relationship. How tf can I even believe that. We would be smoking and You’d just out of the blue mention what would I do if you left me again. You obviously had the intention to leave me again . And again and again and again and again.

One time, you got kicked out from your parents home and that was the only time you told me you wanted a relationship and you wanted to move in with me because you had nowhere to go. You literally used my feelings to have somewhere to stay by saying you’d be my boyfriend since I didn’t want to bring home “just any guy”

Next thing I came up with is, I never met your parents, you never told me to meet them or you wanted me to. It was only when my mum mentioned you take me to meet your parents and you had to because you couldn’t come up with a reason to say no to my mum. So this was the only reason I came back to your house that one night and you told me I could meet your parents. I never did because I was so depressed and stayed in your bed crying all day and night on my birthday and I didn’t want your parents to see me like that, so I never even saw them. I wish it was you who was proud enough to tell me yourself to meet them, not have my mum grill you about it.

I knew you for a 3 years and you left me before. And before and before and before. Countless times and because I was in love and you always came back it made me think it was real love. You made a promise you’d never leave me again but you did. I feel that when I get even older it would still be in the back of my mind that you’d come back because of how much you’ve left and actually came back. Just to make sure I haven’t forgot you.

So it’s like I’ve always knew that it wasn’t gonna be anything but I’ve been too blinded to even see It for what it really is.

The fact that I express myself in a way that makes me easy and vulnerable I feel like for you that brings a thrill because you know I’m never going to get over this, it’s caused me so much pain that even now I don’t want to be with anyone else because I’m scared they will do the same. I’ve learnt so much from this and I’m not going to keep on telling you the same thing because your obviously going to deny it and try to work your way around this, saying you did have real feelings for me, yet most of our “memories” consisted of booking hotels and not even wanting to take me out anywhere, even when you did you’d wait In the car while I run in and get our food to bring out to us.

When I tried getting close to a guy again I thought it was weird that these guys would offer me on an actual date. I’m thinking why haven’t they just suggested we meet late and go somewhere dark and just spend our day having sex. Like people are out there who actually want a relationship that involve normal activities and dates. I remember suggesting so many different things and offering to pay for us to spend time together somewhere and you always declined. I’ve never ever experienced dates in my life. I don’t know how to react with that if someone was to ask me on one.

I really do hope that one day you do find a girl who is absolutely stunning and she just takes your breath away, makes you actually feel true emotion, and I hope she tells you how much she wants a future with you and you fall for it. And then she just starts planning to herself for weeks or months of leaving you, one day she just leaves. It sounds sick but I’m not going to lie, I pray and hope and beg for it to happen to you Because you’re never gonna really change unless you have it happen to yourself.

The truth is, you are never gonna ever experience that because you’re gonna have a great life and a great future. Just like all your ex’s you probably won’t ever remember them and yet I’d live with this forever. I don’t blame you for what you did because it’s Just who you are deep down and it’s a blessing you decided to drop me when you did because I’m saving myself the future of it happening again down the line if we got the point of having kids or marriage. And I really do hope you don’t do this to another girl because it really is just damaging and it makes me embarrassed to pretend I had something I thought was special and real when in reality it was just a sick game.

I’m not gonna sit here and say that I wasnt at fault because I am also to blame for this, and I know that I could have done more, and should have. I’m 19 and I am still learning, I know I will grow up and forget about all of this and it won’t mean anything but right now it’s just I’d rather you punched me in the face than even left me when you said you wouldn’t have. Because at least I can feel a punch and it would only have bruised and hurt for a couple days but this feels like it’s going to last for ever. I’m just sorry I wasn’t enough for you to love and feel like you had a future with. And I apologise with my whole heart because I need to accept this and heal so the only way is to forgive but not forget.

If I could have just been able to sit down with him and say all of this I really would but I’d break down on the first sentence. I feel like this wouldn’t bother him but atleast hopefully make him realise what it’s caused.