I've never wanted to do something more in my life than be a mom. I've never had any specific career desire that I've wanted more than I knew I wanted to have kids and raise them well. My entire pregnancy I heard from what seemed like everyone that it will be both hard and easy. From grandparents, my own mother, my mother in law, friends who became parents before I did. Everyone told me it would be hard at first but once I learned my baby's cues and cries that it would be easy.

I gave birth 5 weeks ago. I held my baby for no more than a handful of minutes on my stomach as they stitched my perineum up, before they realized my baby was having issues breathing and whisked him away. Completely understandable and necessary. But for the next week my baby spent his life in the NICU. I could only see him for a few hours a day, most of that I could not hold him or feed him. I didn't get to breastfeed him. I was only allowed to feed him breastmilk from a bottle, though a majority of his feedings were done by nurses.

Here we are 5 weeks post birth, my baby is healthy and home since week 2 of his life. But I'm still not able to breastfeed as he refuses to latch. We practice latching and trying to breastfeed and it only leads to frustration on both parts. I have a big chest. I'm a US 36J, and my areolas are quite literally about as big as my baby's face. Everyone keeps telling me that I just have to make sure he gets a good portion of my areola in with my nipple but that's hard when they're as big as they are. I've tried nipple shields. Pumping prior to feeding to keep my nipple drawn out more. And we can't seem to find a position that he finds comfortable enough to stay in, or that I find comfortable enough to sit in for extended periods of time. With him not latching and only wanting to take a bottle with breastmilk, i've been having to pump. Pumping was going great at first with me getting 5-6 ounces each breast, but recently pumping doesn't empty me well, and hand expressing is difficult and time consuming. In turn, my supply has dramatically dropped and I had to begin supplementing formula because I don't make enough for my baby to drink exclusively my breastmilk. I'm only getting about an ounce and a half total each pump and my baby eats 3oz each feeding (I was instructed to feed 3 oz each feeding by his pediatrician when she found out I was bottle feeding breastmilk, but I obviously am not making enough to do that each feeding). But I've been shamed by both my own mother and my son's pediatrician for "not trying hard enough" to feed him breastmilk and for supplementing formula. I'm pumping every 3 hours to keep stimulation up so I don't dry out. I've tried eating so much oatmeal since I heard that helped, I've tried lactation tea, lactation cookies/other snacks that some people swore by. I try to keep up with drinking fluids so that I stay hydrated, and I'm trying to make sure I'm eating healthy. But my supply is still low.

5 weeks post birth and I'm still struggling to distinguish his cries. I'm pretty sure I'm good on his feeding cry and diaper cry, but every other time i have to go through my list of fed, changed, sleepy, wanting to be held, or other reasons?? He has recently been cooing more. A lot of them sound happy to me or are accompanied by smiles, so I didn't think much of it other than he is learning to use his voice and enjoying it. My mother is always asking for photos and videos, so I had sent a short video of him cooing that I had gotten. Her only response was "he's unhappy, can't you hear it?" And so now I have even more doubt on feeling like I know my baby. I don't feel close with him. I love him so much, and would do anything for him and don't want to see any harm come to him, but I don't feel like I'm a comfort for him. He prefers my husband over me. Recently whenever my husband hands him to me he starts crying and becomes nearly inconsolable. But the moment he is in my husband's arms, he is quiet. Despite us spending a fairly equal amount of time feeding him, changing him, cuddling him, etc.

Idk. I'm struggling and don't know what to do and needed somewhere to vent. I'm still healing and waiting for my stitches to fall out from birth, so some basic tasks are difficult, I'm only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep a night between trying to keep up with pumping for stimulation so that the little milk it does draw out doesn't dry up and hopefully encourages more and taking care of the baby. My husband tells me we are doing our best and that I'm a great mom so far, but I guess I'm having a hard time listening to it when others start giving their input. My husband has to go back to work in a week and I just feel like I'm getting ready to jump into the deep end entirely unprepared.