I told my SO that I find it completely unnecessary for his 9 year to constantly yell at the kids when she has something to say.

Ages are 9, 6, 3, and 2. My children are the 6 & 3 year olds. Yesterday, he stopped to grab the kids something to eat and his 9 year old started yelling at my 3 year old because she was walking around with food. Walking around the dining area. Not touching anything, just wandering.

I asked him if he felt it was necessary that she screams ALL OF THE TIME? He doesn't see a problem with it and says my daughter needs to learn to respect her older sibling (we aren't married yet).. I told him "Or maybe (let's call her Bre) Bre shouldn't yell all of the time." Don't get me wrong, my 3 year can be defiant and mouthy. I'm in no way saying she's perfect but she doesn't deserve have a child 3x her size and 3x more voice yelling at her and in her face everyday over every little thing. Anyway, he then starts going into this spill about how he's the oldest sibling and he was tough on his younger siblings. I'm the oldest as well and 100% understand tough love in certain circumstances but yelling at them wasn't part of it growing up.

Am I wrong to ask this? Asking his daughter (my soon to be stepdaughter) to calm down. And no, I'm not ex exaggerating... The neighbors have complained of her yelling both in and outdoors. Any time I try to offer my opinion on his children (never anything bad) it goes in one ear and out the other but when he has an opinion about my children and I do him the same way (essentially ignoring him-only because he does it to me...I know childish...I'm honestly trying to get him to recognize his behavior) he gets upset and says I never listen to him. It's like this double standard.

A yelling child is not the end all for our relationship but I wish I could sit her down and kindly ask her to stop (more so to find out why she feels yelling is always necessary) without him interjecting.

Any tips?

Hi@Lulupie... That's a great question. Before my SO and her mother divorced...They did a lot of fighting in front of her and her brother (who was newborn at the time)... To my understanding sometimes she played referee. She's been attending therapy since their divorce and I try not to ask. He gets in the way when I do. I think it stems from that but can't say 100% but how do I essentially tell her we are the parents when he doesn't see an issue with it? And will wait until I turn my back and tell her otherwise about how to handle situations? I don't like that. He says one thing while I'm there and something else once I'm not. It's hard to "be the parent" when he won't really let me be a parent to his children as well.

@Kris.. That's what I've been doing but thank you

Edit: Thanks everyone. I appreciate the input. I really do. I'll do more and step up. I thought I was but again he was pulling her aside behind my back letting her know he sees no issue with it despite what I had to say. Of course she's going to listen to her father but this my my house too. I shouldn't have to fight to be a parent but it sure is exhausting BUT I haven't given up yet. I'll try each piece of advice I've received 🙏🤞