Hello, about five months out of a highly manipulative and sexually abusive relationship where "no" meant "convince me" and I was once threatened in the middle of the night with having the police called on me to retrieve a stuffed animal he gave me because I was tired and didn't want to send nudes. He ended up leaving me for that girl he told me not to worry about after fucking her for months, telling me about it, ans pretending he had this big important decision to make about it, aka, stringing me along for sex even though emotionally, he was done with me. All in all, a horrible relationship, very good that it's over objectively speaking right? I recognize that, I can see the improvements in my mental health, I can look at where I was this time last year and say that I've come a long fucking way. HOWEVER, three years of abuse will change you, oh man will they.

I'm so fucking mad and upset and sad because I still love him? It isn't like, I want to get back together with him, not a chance. I just want him to be a better fucking person, and to have been a better fucking person for me. I want the reality where he was beautiful and sweet like in the beginning of things, you know? I have so much shitty trauma I have to go through right now, and it fucking sucks. He's the first person I ever loved and I trusted him only for things to be this way. We had a lot of potential, you know, and I really fucking tried. I was just also in a highly abusive situation, and that's not my fault. I just don't want to think about all his shitty brags DIRECTLY TO ME about how good she is in bed, or how her "pussy is tighter than mine." I just want that innocent love feeling back, I don't think I can ever feel that way about someone again and that makes me feel so empty. I don't want to cry because of random ass stupid triggers like Minecraft, or going on a date with someone new, or stupid memories and feelings. I hate all of it. In any case, thanks for listening to my venting. Let me know if any of you have had similar experiences, because right now I was to just evaporate.