I feel awful. I feel guilty. I had my first daughter in early 2018 and from the very moment I saw that “yes” on my digital HPT I was so excited about being pregnant and being a mama. We had life stress during that time and my husband and I were also newly married when we found out we were pregnant, but NOTHING could come between me and my love for my baby girl. It was like everything else didn’t matter and I just adored the whole experience of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and holding her in my arms at last when she was born.

Fast forward to midsummer of this year when we found out we were pregnant again. I cannot even begin to explain how wanted this pregnancy was. I won’t go into great detail, but I had previously struggled with some health issues and we didn’t know if pregnancy would ever happen for us again. To see that “yes” on the very same type of digital HPT 3 years after I last saw it and after month after month of negatives and “no”, made my heart beat madly and my stomach swoop with excitement. I felt so much love for this tiny person and my symptoms were far worse than my first pregnancy. Still, I loved this child and could not wait to meet them.

We found out a little before 19 weeks (I’m over 21 weeks now) that we are having a boy and soon after finding that out, my connectedness to this little one halted. True, I only grew up with a sister and had only friends that were girls and even mostly babysat little girls, but I don’t despise boys. I was shocked to find out a boy because I felt like I was having a girl, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the problem. Once again, stress is in our lives (a lot of things) and I think also the pandemic has made planning for a baby and just being pregnant in general less comforting.

Has anyone else felt this way with baby 2? I’ve never been prone to depression, but I am not excited about this little boy. It’s not even looking like he’ll have his own room and I’m still sad over never being able to nest with our first. I don’t dream about him and I cannot even picture life after his birth at all. I feel dreadful and like a horrible mother. My husband doesn’t understand. He loves this baby so much and is scared when I say I feel disconnected from him (the babe). I had an idea of going to a 3D/4D ultrasound place just me and my husband after Christmas to spend some time with this little one and we can even get a stuffed animal with his heartbeat programmed into it. I hate feeling this way and I am so sad because I feel like my joy, my happiness over this baby has been stolen from me.

I’ve even recently wondered if I’m feeling this way on purpose and if I’m supposed to allow my dear friend who had recurrent pregnancy loss adopt this little one. He doesn’t even feel like mine. Have you ever heard anything so terrible? I want to love him and I want to be excited, but I’m just not.