Feeling sick with anxiety after masturbation and would like a sexual assault survivors input...

🚨(Trigger warning)🚨

So I’m a virgin, an incredibly horny one at that and I’m always up for exploring my body and seeing what I like... but I’ve always been nervous about vaginal penetration and I even tried ass play before inserting something into my vagina. Usually I feel a bit queasy when I think about it and I get anxiety. I’ve tried to push a finger in but I get too much anxiety and stop.

Well I’ve finally done it! It felt pretty great and it sorta felt like I accomplished something. I was pretty relaxed and ready for it too... But now I almost feel a bit sick? Like, from anxiety? My stomach just feels a bit odd and upset and idk. I was sexually assaulted multiple times and nearly raped as a preteen, and though no one has ever used something to penetrate me I’m still a bit weird about vaginal penetration because of that. Could that be why?

Has anyone else dealt with this? Even 8 years later I’m still struggling with what happened and haven’t been able to let anyone touch me.