I have one son.

Growing up, I was an only child. I always wanted a brother or sister to share my toys with and spend time with. I mean, I had a half brother and sister, and my son’s future sibling, assuming one day I am blessed with another, will be half. Not that it really matters, just, I never saw much of my siblings. I want another child to share family values with and support and grow. Plus, I’d like to have a little girl. But even another boy would be nice.

Problem is, I’m worried about getting into another relationship. I already see a therapist, but my sons biological “father” did a number on me. Now I’m paranoid. I was terrified he was going to try to kill me after I left the relationship. I’m scared when I try to talk to someone on a dating app, thinking that it’s him, or that he’s paying someone through the dark web to talk to me (he used the dark web a lot and was very tech smart.) He lied about who he was and then told me after I was pregnant how he changed his answers on the dating app we met on to make his answers match mine, and that the reason he was into computers was because cops took his once over him talking to a very underage girl. Just a lot of other stuff came to light too. Needless to say, he’s never met my son.

Not only that reason to why I’m afraid to find someone, but my exhusband, who I was with for many years before I met sons bio dad, him and I reconciled. And I’m so glad we did. He loved my son as his own. He had gotten his issues under control. Everything was going great. We were about to move in together. When I was pregnant, he’d always kiss my belly and say I love you and then me before he left for the night. He got to be his father and the love of my life. Until my son was 3 months. So 10 months together. He passed away. I felt that *connection* in my soul with him that I’ve never in my life felt with anyone else. When you know someone is the “one” you just know. I woke up out of nowhere with a weird tingling in my chest, the same one I got when my dog had to be euthanized, 10 minutes before I got the call. I wouldn’t wish the pain I felt and still feel on my worst enemy. And as much as a monster as he is, even my sons biological dad. Sometimes it feels like my heart is just going to stop where the emotional pain hurts so bad. I’m scared of being twice widowed if that makes sense.

But at the same time, I’d also would like someone to enjoy life with. Being a solo parent is pretty exhausting too, although I would do anything for my son. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him. I’m not wanting someone to take over, but someone to stand by me and say they love our little family. Or big family.

Sorry, I just needed to vent a little bit and get some stuff off my mind.