Warning, long post....

I’ve been posting or taking you along on my postpartum journey. I don’t post these for people to feel bad for me, cause I don’t want that. I don’t want people’s pity or people to feel sorry for me. I’m hoping maybe it’ll help someone, but I’m mostly helping myself. So I can look back and see that I made it through or help myself, if God blesses Nathan and I with another little one. So why not show you my worst day?

Here it goes... it has been an extremely rough week. Of which most gets taken out on Nathan...

I’m sorry Nathan. Sorry you have to go through this with me. Sorry you have to see me like this. Sorry it gets taken out on you. I’m sorry. But thank you for sticking with me and helping me through.

I thought that I was getting better with the postpartum, I actually thought it was going away. But, boy was I wrong. Today it came in like a hurricane. Today was the day I was going to give up. Give up everything. Today I was going to give up on breastfeeding, today I wanted to give up being a mother, today I wanted to give up being a wife... today I wanted to give up my life.

Again, I don’t want pity or people to feel sorry for me. Maybe some prayers. I try to hide this part, the postpartum/depression. I try to hide it from my boys, Nathan, and everyone. But we shouldn’t hide it. It’s normal and it needs to be normalized. It needs to be talked about. But again, this is to help myself and hopefully someone else along the way. Because if you’re struggling like me, you’re not alone!

Today I didn’t want to get out bed. Maybe it was because both of the boys were up all night. Maybe it’s because it was already a bad day. Maybe it’s cause I’m exhausted. Maybe it was because I was mad at Nathan for always getting to sleep. (I should not be mad at him. He deserves to sleep. He works all freaking day and then helps whenever he can and when he gets off work. I guess I’m just jealous. Jealous that he sleeps and jealous that he has useless boobs LOL.) Maybe it was because my hair hasn’t been washed in days. Maybe it’s because I feel and look gross most of the time. Maybe it’s because I hate myself, the way I look, everything. Maybe it was because of all of that. Today both of the boys were extremely cranky, probably from not sleeping and because one is teething. Today my body was so sore. Today my mind was racing. Today my mind wasn’t right. Today my heart wasn’t there. Today I was angry. Today I was frustrated. Today I was a bad mother and a bad wife. I hate myself and today I hated myself more. Today my head hurt. Today my eyes hurt. Today I couldn’t seem to stop crying. Today I couldn’t get the bad thoughts to go away.

Was I ready to walk away, no. Did I think I was, yes. Did I think my boys and Nathan would be better off without me, absolutely. Where my bad thoughts and postpartum winning, definitely.

Then all of a sudden Kal’el calmed down and came into the room and said, “mommy, love you!” Then climbed up, gave me a hug, and laid with me. At the same time, Ezekiel stopped screaming and just fell asleep. Kal’el eventually fell asleep to. I then got to take a deep breath, said a prayer, and got to breathe for a few minutes. I continued to pray and scream (well whisper, I didn’t want to wake up the boys) out to God. At this time my heart and mind calmed down. I realized I would be walking away from the best things (Nathan and my boys) to happen to me. I realized how it would affect the boys, affect Nathan. I know I can’t let this postpartum win. I have to fight. Fight for Nathan. Fight for my boys. Fight for myself. Fight for others who lost their likes due to postpartum. Fight for others who are suffering, as well. Just have to fight.

You hit rock bottom, before you can go up right? Well mentally and emotionally, today was my rock bottom. Today was the worst, of probably the worst. So I’m hoping and praying that it is only up from here. I’ll be making it my goal to be up from here.

I cannot let one bad day, weeks, or even months of postpartum be the definition of my life. “It’s a bad day, not a bad life!”

Like I said before, I won’t fake it for social media. I won’t hide the bad, so everyone can only see the good. Postpartum is no joke. Postpartum with mental illness before having it, is no joke. It needs to be talked about. It needs to be unfortunately normalized, because it is normal.

I’m proud of myself for making it through today. So here is to today and here is to not giving up. Here is to not letting postpartum win. Here is to continuing to fight. I will beat this. I will be victorious.

Sorry again, for the long post.

Also, if you’re going through this...please reach out. I can pray for you, with you, just listen or whatever you need. We can get through this together!